Stealing (P5, LS, Completed, No Pic)

Stealing by LS

  Today, at Compass Point, we have a Great Singapore Sale! All the items on sale are at 50% or above from the original price came a voice from the radio (1).  Being an avid (√) shopper, I took my wallet and my handbag and dashed towards the shopping mall.

  The shopping mall was packed like sardines (√).  While walking, a banner caught my eye(√).  Curious, I walked towards it.  It (2) was 80% off!  I rushed towards to shop and asked the manager how it worked. 

  (3)Fascinated, I placed my order.  Meanwhile, my son, Ah Ling spotted me wanting to get money for his video game, he crept towards me stealthily.  Once he reached near me, he took away my wallet and rushed off. (4)

  “Here is your X-phone, Mrs. May.  Please give us $1800 if you ant internet connection.  If not, please give me $1700” said, the manager. (5)

  When I reached for my wallet, I realized it was gone!  I then cancelled my order and ran to the police station to make a police report.  Meanwhile, Ah Ling went to the game shop to buy his  new video game “Hellboy 2”.  When he scanned his credit card (6), the retail assistant noticed that it was not his credit card.

  The retail assistant called the police.  Ah Ling heard it and fled, stealing a few other video games (√).  At the police station, I gave my statement and at the same time, the call came (7).  The police officers sprang into action(√). 

  After a few hours, Ah Ling was caught.  “Ah Ling? Why did you steal my wallet?  Why didn’t you listen to my advice to find a job?”  He hung his head in shame (√)  and was led away by the police officers.  As Ah Ling was my brother (8), I pleaded the police officer to give him a lighter statement.  The police officer agreed.

  After the hours of panic.  I decided it was best to go home.  I threw my bag on the floor and went to on the television.  When I saw what was on the news, I was shocked.  I saw police officer and Ah Ling in handcuffs. 

  I hope Ah Ling learned his lesson and I hope he will not do it (9) again in the future.

My Comments

Mmm...Interesting.

L.S seems to have a basic command of the language and has an above-average range of vocabulary. He has no problem developing the content of his story but seems to have issues with organization, paragraphing and punctuation. I agree with his mom that he has mixed up the characters in his story and there are some missing links throughout his composition, causing it to become very confusing.

Here are some specific comments & suggestions pertaining to this piece of writing:

(1) I actually like the way LS started the composition. Unfortunately, the missing punctuation and the manner in which it was expressed shadowed the creative start. There is also no clear setting / scene here so the reader cannot form a picture in our minds.

 (2) LS has a story churning in his mind and is very enthusiastic about developing it. He knows what he wants to write about but (jn his excitement / impatience) he forgets to convey his thoughts clearly to the reader. i.e. What is the shop selling? What is the item on promotion?

(3) Again, the enthusiasm causes him to miss a link explaining what fascinated 'I'. He also forgets to tell the reader a bit more about 'Ah Ling' e.g. age, student or jobless etc. There appears to be missing fullstop i.e "....spotted me. Wanting to..." The missing punctuation totally distorts the content!

(4) Missing punctuation and a need to re-arrange his sentences in order to convey the intended idea.

(5) Missing link from (2) affects our understanding of what is happening here.

(6) Missing information from (3) causes this sentence and its content to become awkward i.e. how old is Ah Ling? Why can he use a credit card? Is he an adult?

(7) Again, too much enthusiasm ( to complete the story?) that he forgets to convey his ideas clearly. He has a wonderful detail here about Ah Ling stealing before trying to escape. This point emphasizes on Ah Ling's delinquency!

(8) Opps! Character mix-up! Actually, this is a common mistake! LS must learn to review his work by reading his story a few times before declaring he has completed it!

(9) A common mistake. A lot of students like to end their composition this way! LS has to learn to be more specific in terms of the lesson learnt by the character and what mistakes he will not commit again.

My General Suggestions for LS (prior to emailing his mom):

Firstly, the best person to assess LS's learning needs is none other than his teacher. My suggestion here is based on what I gather from this piece of work.   I would still strongly encourage you to speak to his teacher.

My honest sense is that the child has a lot of wonderful ideas and he likes to write. He seems to experience an overdrive of ideas and is unable to co-ordinate between letting the ideas flow and then conveying them as intended to the reader. He also needs to constantly review / read back what he writes in order to avoid the mistake he made in this composition.

(after corresponding with LS' mom and understanding some of his needs)

If like LS, your child enjoys writing and is bursting with wonderful ideas but seem to have some problems organizing his story, you could consider:

A) Writing Down the Ideas

-Get your child used to writing down words, short phrases that pop into their minds.(very briefly)

-Some children do not know how to write points and end up writing a story on their question paper and that's a waste of precious examination time!

-It has to be points only. Instead of having all these ideas swimming in his head, the written form can help organize the ideas better

B) Help your child learn how to organize their story

-If you think your child gets too excited about writing his stories, give him a structured approach to his writing task. If your child works well with rules, the following may help:

STEPS TO FOLLOW:

1) Read question.

2) Write down main ideas that pop into mind. (briefly)

3) Write down characters and relationship. (briefly)

4) Start writing about first 2 main ideas. (actual writing)

1st REVIEW: Relook at the question, main ideas from brainstorming and CHECK characters and relationship.

5) Continue with writing about next 2 -3 main ideas. (actual writing)

2nd REVIEW (as above)

6) Continue with writing any remaining main ideas and conclude (actual writing)

Final REVIEW & check for grammar / spelling errors.

Do let me know if it works. I cannot guarantee it but it's definitely worth a try!

Suggested Composition

      "Today, at Compass Point, we are having the Great Singapore Sale! All the items on sale are at a discount of fifty percent or more!"  an advertisement blared loudly over the radio.  Being an avid shopper, I took my wallet and my handbag and dashed towards the shopping mall.

        The shopping mall was packed like sardines.  While walking, a banner caught my eye.  Curious, I walked towards it. A mobile phone shop was selling everything at an eighty percent discount! I rushed towards the shop and asked the manager for details of the promotion. 

Fascinated that the discount was genuine, I quickly chose my dream phone and approached the cashier to make payment.  Meanwhile, my delinquent son, Ah Ling, spotted me inside the shop. Ah Ling was the black sheep of the family. A school drop-out, he refused to retake his examinations and spent his time loitering around shopping malls and getting himself into trouble. Needing money for a video game he could not afford, he crept towards me stealthily. Once he was close enough, he snitched my wallet effortlessly from my handbag and sped off just as discreetly.

        Back at the shop, I was deciding which mobile plan to sign up for. “Here is your X-phone, Mrs. May.  Please give us $1800 if you want internet connection.  If not, your plan will be $1700,” explained the manager. After making up my mind, I reached for my wallet and realized that it was gone!  I then cancelled my order and ran to the police station to make a police report.  Meanwhile, Ah Ling went to the game shop to buy his new video game 'Hellboy 2'. When the retail assistant scanned the credit card, she noticed that it did not belong to Ah Ling. She called the police immediately.  Ah Ling overheard the call and fled after stealing a few other video games.  At the police station, while giving my statement, the police received the call from the game shop.  The police officers sprang straight into action. 

        After a few hours, Ah Ling was caught and brought to the police station.  “Ah Ling? Why did you steal my wallet?  Why didn’t you listen to my advice and find a job?” Ah Ling hung his head in shame and was led away by the police officers.  As Ah Ling was my son, I pleaded the police officer to ask the judge for a lighter sentence.  The police officer agreed to help him.

        After the hours of stress, panic and grief.  I decided it was best for me to go home.  I threw my bag on the floor and switched on the television.  When I saw what was on the news, I was shocked.  I saw the police officers handcuffing Ah Ling at the mall. He looked so ashamed and confused. Although I was deeply saddened by the incident, I hope Ah Ling will learn his lesson and turn over a new leaf.