Updated 30 Apr: Incident on the MRT (by WS, P5, Draft)

     

(Image provided by WS), for reference only

      John started to drift off lulled by the soft chatter in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape,  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life and the announcer's voice stating the next station was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his features.

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine, as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. 

When the chatter of the other commuters increased when they saw the bag speculating its source, John snapped out of his daze. Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer.

“There's a bag....” It was all John could managed before the other panicky commuters having reached the same conclusion as he did drowned out his next words. 
    The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves.

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves as a reminder to all to remain vigilant as we would not know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Thank you for the composition, WS!
Great command of the English language, interesting and vivid description and an extensive vocabulary! However, I think you can work more on your content. Let me look through this more carefully before I give my full comments and suggestions! 

Still, good job!

Here is my more detailed analysis:



       John started to drift off, lulled by the soft chatter (√) in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape (√),  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life (√) and the announcer's voice, stating the next station, was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his  features. (√)

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden (√) with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten (√) as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled (√) at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine (√), as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind (√) and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. (√)

When The chatter (√) of the other commuters increased crescendoed   when as they saw the bag speculating its source speculated about the source the bag. John snapped out of his daze(√). Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer. (√)

“There's a bag...” It was all John could managed, before the other panicky commuters, having reached the same conclusion as he did, drowned out his next words.  (√)

  The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers were ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. (See Notes 1) When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves. (√) (See Notes 2)

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves served as a reminder to all to remain vigilant, as we would not never know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Remarks

Wow! This composition is laden with vivid description. I can literally feel myself being drawn into the scenes in the story! 

Well done! 

However, once engrossed in our own writing, it is common to fall into the trap of writing 'running sentences' i.e sentences which are too long and crammed with ideas and descriptive terms. If you feel the need to include such complex sentences, do remember to punctuate them appropriately. Having said that, I will still advise you to avoid them, if possible.

As mentioned in my initial post, although you have demonstrated an extensive vocabulary, I think there is still room for improvement for in content development. 

Remember that a composition is graded both by Language and Content. Your language marks will be top notch (18 or 19) but your content may fall in the range of 14 - 16 / 20. The grade will depend on the consensus of the teachers grading your work.

Notes 1
Somehow I don't quite seem to be able to accept the use of 'verdict' here. I just can't picture the police delivering a verdict.

I will prefer 'outcome of the investigation'. What say you?


Notes 2

You have decided that the story will conclude as a false alarm. That's fine. However, it is not a 'convincing' one as you did not fully develop the following points brought up in your writing:

1) Why did the man leave the bag on the train?
2) If it was a false alarm, what was actually in the bag? Stolen goods left by a remorseful robber? Rubbish? Paraphernalia forsaken by a heart-broken fan(!)? Ransom money for a kidnapper?
3) Did the authorities managed to contact the person who left the bag behind?
4) If yes, how did they deal with the contents and the person? If no, what happened to the bag and its contents?

As you can see,  a lot of juice has still been left in the pulp! 

The unintentional cliffhanger makes the reader wonder "Why", "Then...?"

I strongly feel that if you devote one more paragraph to address the ambiguity, your composition is close to perfection!

I feel inadequate to write a suggested composition for this near-perfect piece of writing. Maybe WS can write a draft 2? 

I can't wait to read it if you are willing to try again!

Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Injuries

Please see Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Introduction for details about the objective of this series / section in my blog.

Simple Vocabulary 
These are some common descriptions used by beginning writers. 
The list is not exhaustive.

1) Alan fell down. He was hurt. He was bleeding a lot.

2) The doctor checked on Mrs Lim. She had broken her bone and needed an operation.

3) At the hospital, the doctor checked Minah. She had a blood clot in her head. She needed an operation.


Basic Vocabulary
These are some common descriptions expected of middle primary and weaker upper primary writers.

If your child is at P3 - P4 and cannot describe injuries as given, you may want to get him to attempt using these sentences for his practices at home. 

(Ugly truth...MEMORIZE...) because this is very BASIC.

For P5 and above this is not an option. You MUST KNOW this!

1) Alan lost his balance and fell. He had cuts on his knee. Blood was flowing profusely (how was it flowing) from the wound.

2) The doctor examined Mrs Lim. She had broken an arm ( a leg) and needed an operation.

3) At the emergency room, the doctor examined Minah. She had a blood clot in her brain. It was a serious injury. She needed an operation immediately.


Enhancing the Basic
These are some improvements a student can make to improve on the basics. i.e. add in details, adjectives, reasons. (No extensive and new vocabulary)

If your child has grasps the basics i.e. is able to write injuries as above, introduce him to adding details and such to improve on the basics. This can (not will, as scoring still depends on how the whole composition is written and the grammar used) push his / her content and language up a point / band when graded.

1) Alan lost his balance and fell hard onto the ground (where). He had grazed his knee. Blood was oozing profusely from the deeper wounds (from which wounds).

2) The doctor examined Mrs Lim thoroughly. She had fractured her arm (leg) and needed an operation to realign the bones (why operation?).

3) At the emergency room, the doctor examined Minah. He detected a blood clot in her brain. As the blood clot could cause a stroke (why so serious?), the doctor immediately performed an operation to remove it (what the doctor did and why).

To be continued...

Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Introduction

'Basic Vocabulary for Writing' is a resource targeted at helping pupils at the lower-middle primary levels or the weaker upper primary pupils.

A pupil who has just started independent writing or does not have a strong foundation in writing often find difficulties expressing their his / her ideas.

Most of the time, the pupil will use very simple description to try to overcome the problem. This is fine especially when he is a beginning writer (e.g. P1 or P2). 

However, as the child proceeds to higher levels, his simple description will appear pale in comparison to work written by the average and above-average writers.

Materials found in this section attempts to:

-Introduce common words, phrases or description suitable for use in specific writing topics (some of these material may overlap one another)

-Highlight and correct misconception often seen in pupils' work when writing certain topics

-Help improve on the common vocabulary provided in this section, so that pupils can enhance the descriptions in their composition after they grasp the basic.

I want to emphasize that this is an attempt.

In a classroom setting, I am able to see my pupils' responses and adjust the lessons accordingly. However, this is not possible on a blog.

As I gradually build up this section on my resources, do feedback to me if your child can understand or is able to use the resources as planned.

Let's all work through this together!

Opps...! I just noticed a grammar mistake and inappropriate choice of words. Erhm..."Nobody is perfect - That's why pencils have erasers!" - Anonymous

Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2)

Some possible answers to the cloze passage exercise in 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (1)' are as follows:

1) rush / peak
2) plunged 
3) silence
4) speaking / talking / singing (cajole, comfort)
5) failure / outage
6) stifling / choking / suffocating (burning, scorching, unbearable) 
7) shone (used, light, lit, directed, projected)
8) smashed / shattered
9) ventilation (circulation, relief, comfort, hope)
10) groggy / dizzy / light-headed (tipsy)
11) pried / forced (pulled, pushed)
12) through (along)

If you would like to ask me alternative answers, please email me instead of posting as a comment as the discussion can get really long...My email address can be found at Important Terms and Conditions / Disclaimer / How to Submit.

Part Two

Now, let's apply what we've learnt to a possible question. It is difficult to post pictures here as there are some copyright issues I do not wish to tread on. So at the moment, lets just use an example from continuous writing.

#######################

Mr Suresh was on his way to work on an MRT train. Suddenly, the train stopped and he found himself in total darkness.

Based on the above situation, write a composition of at least 150 words using the following points:

-How Mr Suresh felt

-What happened after that

-What happened in the end

You may reorder the points and / or include your own.

#########################

Here is a possible composition using content from the selected reading materials:

    Mr Suresh stared at the scar on his right arm. He would never forget what happened that fateful day when he was trapped in an MRT train while on his way to work...

    Mr Suresh waved goodbye to his family and headed to the MRT station near his home to catch the train to work. As it was the morning rush hour, the carriages were packed to the brim. Mr Suresh was lucky to find a seat next to the fire extinguisher and quickly settled down and began reading the newspaper. 

    He was halfway through the papers when the train suddenly plunged into total darkness and grounded to a halt. For a moment, there was an eerie silence as no one dared to move or speak. Then, Mr Suresh heard a child's voice, "Mommy, I am scared!" The trapped commuters started talking to one another, trying to find an explanation to what was going on.

    The air conditioning had also stopped working and the stifling heat was beginning to feel unbearable. Beads of perspiration began trickling down Mr Suresh's temples. "I think I've got to do something before we all die of suffocation!" he thought to himself. "Can someone help me please? I need some light here!" he called out to the other commuters. The commuters used their mobile phones as torchlights and helped lit up part of the carriage. Mr Suresh found the fire extinguisher and with all his strength smashed it onto a carriage window. The window immediately shattered and a whiff of fresh air finally entered the carriage. Unfortunately, while breaking the window, one of the glass shrapnels pierced into his right arm. Mr Suresh cried out in pain as blood began oozing from the wound. A commuter tied a handkerchief around the wound but it was quickly soaked in blood. He needed medical attention as soon as possible. Just when Mr Suresh was about to faint, someone forced opened the train door. Help had finally arrived!

    The civil defence officers evacuated Mr Suresh and sent him to the nearest hospital while the other trapped commuter were led through the underground tunnels to the nearest train station.

    Mr Suresh was grateful that he was rescued at the nick of time. Although he still had nightmares about the incident, he still took the train to work. However, ever since, he always carried a torchlight with him, just in case.

Have you noticed that instead of using a lot of highly-impressive vocabulary, the composition has been written in English expected of an average (to above-average) upper primary student? (with the exception of some the underlined words, which may be words or phrases you can now pick up to add flavour to your writing)

Reading story books can help improve your vocabulary. However, do put in constant effort to look up the meaning of new words and try them out in your writing. Only with hard work can you eventually succeed in doing well in your writing.

With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2)' . 

I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you!

Updates to 'Selected Reading Material 1: A Robbery(1)'

Answers to one of the activities in 'Selected Reading Material 1: A Robbery(1)' has been added. If you had been interested to know the answer but were too shy to email me, I've add it towards the end of the post.

Hope you got the answers right! : )