Shoplifting (by LS, P5, Completed)

Question

You were shopping for a Mother’s Day gift.  While you were looking at some merchandise, a sales assistant tapped you on the shoulder and accused you of shoplifting.

Based on the above situation, write a story of at east 150 words.

You must make use of the points below in your story:

What went through your mind

What happened next

How it all ended.

You may re-order the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

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Shoplifting by LS

The air-conditioning blasted its cool air (1) keeping the area in the shopping centre nice and chilled.(2)  I was playing my electronic games and was distracted by a thrilling episode in the game.  I was separated from my parents (3) without knowing.

I felt a tap halfway in the midst (16) of the game.  I paused it, and looked up.  A sales assistant stared at me.  “Why did you steal the PS3?” bellowed the assistant.  I was stunned and speechless (√). After a while, I asked “where is the evidence?”  The sales assistant pointed at an empty box with cold, steely eyes (4).  I trembled in fear and insisted  I did not do it! The commotion attracted many people.  I could even see a mother telling her son not to be a thief like me.  My cheeks were flushed with embarrassment (√).  Just then, I felt a tug. I struggled but the sales assistant was too strong for me. I was pulled to the office. 

When I was inside, a serious-looking manager was staring (5) at me in anger.  He had a hooked nose that resembled an eagle’s beak (√).  The man had a moustache that twirled up at the two sides (√).  He spoke in a harsh raspy voice that scrapped at my nerves (√).  “What did this boy do?”  he demanded.  “He stole a PS3 (6)” the sales assistant lied (7).  He took away my phone and demanded to (7) call my mother.  I told my mother the truth (8), but then the sales assistant snatched the phone and said “Your son was shoplifting” (9)  “What?  Where is he?” I’ll pick him up right now!"(10) 

A few minutes later, my mother arrived.  The assistant told her the whole story (11), but I insisted I did nothing wrong.  Being a caring and intelligent mother, she insisted to view the camera.  Soon, the security guard was called.  The security guard was in his crisp and well-pressed uniform. The bright shiny buttons on his uniform glistened in the sunlight. He pulled out a thumbdrive(√) and inserted it into a computer.  Our eyes narrowed (√) on the screen.  We (12) soon realized that it wasn’t (13) me but a student who was my enemy and wanted to get me into trouble.  The embarrassed sales assistant gave me vouchers to compensate me for my embarrassment (14).

I was glad it was all over, until I saw Daniel.  He was the culprit.  I saw him holding the new PS3.  He was soon caught.  Every cloud has a silver lining for I had finally took revenge on Daniel .   (15)

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My Comments

I am truly heartened to see some improvement in LS' writing! I think that other than attempting to constantly review his work while writing, mom's support is probably the most crucial here! Great attempt!

As mentioned in LS' first composition, he has a good range of vocabulary. The story flows better now but there are still constant errors in punctuation.

One crucial part that needs improvement is that a major point has been omitted from the composition i.e buying Mother's Day present. Depending on how strict the marking is, he will definitely be penalized! So always check back the requirements of the question!

Specific Ares:

(1) Missing comma "...blasted its cool air, keeping..."

(2) This would be an appropriate part of the composition to explain why 'you' were at the shopping centre. e.g. As Mother's Day was just round the corner, I wanted to get a special gift for my mother. While waiting for my parents, who were shopping for groceries, I decided to entertain myself by playing my favourite video game...

(3) Expression seems a bit awkward. Can try to use 'unknowingly'.

(4) Awkward expression... A box does not have eyes... : )

(5) 'stared at me' instead of 'was staring'

(6) and (7) Missing punctation i.e. "He stole a 'PS3'," insisted the sales assistant (the sales assistant was not lying, he/she assumed but not lied)

(8) I explained what happened 

(9) and (10) Missing punctuation and some details (pls see suggested composition below)

(11) Awkward expression (pls see suggested composition below)

(12) Inappropriate choice of pronoun. 'I' knew he was innocent. So should use 'They' and not 'We'.

(13) Avoid contraction in formal writing, unless within dialogue.

(14) Root word with 'embarrass' used twice. Instead can replace expression with other emotion e.g. distress and frustration

(15) A weak conclusion. This is typical of all students as they are so relieved that the composition is almost completed. Try to keep the stamina up till the very last word!

(16) Similar meaning, keep either 'halfway' or 'in the midst'

Suggested Composition

       The air-conditioning blasted its cool air, keeping the area in the shopping centre nice and chilled. As Mother's Day was just round the corner, I wanted to get a special gift for my mother. While waiting for my parents, who were grocery shopping, I decided to entertain myself by playing my favourite video game.  I was distracted by a thrilling episode in the game and unknowingly got separated from them.

        While totally engrossed in the game, I suddenly felt a tug in the midst of the game.  I paused it, and looked up.  A sales assistant stared at me.  “Why did you steal the 'PS3'?” bellowed the assistant.  I was stunned and speechless.  After recovering from the shock, I asked, “Where is the evidence?”  With cold, steely eyes, the sales assistant pointed at an empty video game box behind me.  I trembled in fear and insisted that I did not do it! The commotion attracted many people.  I could even see a mother telling her son not to be a thief like me.  My cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.  Just then, I felt a tug I struggled but the sales assistant was too strong for me.  I was pulled into the office.

        When I was inside, a serious-looking manager stared at me angrily.  He had a hooked nose that resembled an eagle’s beak.  The man had a moustache that twirled up at the two ends.  He spoke in a harsh, raspy voice that scrapped at my nerves.  “What did this boy do?”  he demanded.  “He stole a PS3!” the sales assistant insisted.  He took away my phone and demanded that I called my mother.  I told my mother what had happened, but the sales assistant snatched the phone and declared, “Your son was shoplifting!” I heard mother's voice over the speaker phone, “What?  Where is he? I’ll pick him up right now!”

        A few minutes later, my mother arrived.  The assistant related the whole incident the way she believed it to have happened while I insisted that I did nothing wrong.  Being a caring and intelligent mother, she insisted on viewing the video footage from the security camera.  Soon, the security guard was called in.  The security guard arrived in his crisp and well-pressed uniform. The bright shiny buttons on his uniform glistened in the sunlight. He pulled out a thumbdrive and inserted it into a computer.  Our eyes narrowed on the screen.  Sure enough, they realized that I was not the culprit. Instead it was a student, Daniel, who was my arch enemy. He set me up because he wanted to get me into trouble.  The embarrassed sales assistant gave me vouchers to compensate me for my distress and frustration.

        When the air was cleared, I heaved a great sigh of relief. As for Daniel, his parents were informed and he was severely reprimanded for his evil deed. Although I know it is wrong to feel revengeful, but when I heard that he got what he deserved, I simply could not wipe the smirk off my face!