The Accident (P4, Ucee,Draft,no pic)

The Accident by Ucee 

            Although it happened one year ago, the memory of how John almost broke his leg was etched in his mind...

            It was the June holidays. John, who was feeling rather bored, asked his mother what he could do. " Watch me cook curry or do homework," replied his mother. John decided to play his game set. John went to the cupboard and realised that the game set was placed at the top shelf. "If only I kept it," sighed John. John jump and tried to reach his game set, but to no avail. As John walked, lost in thought, he had a brainwave. "Mom! Can you please help me take my game set? Please!" John begged his mother who was sitting at the sofa, eating curry. To John's surprise, his mother (see comment) did not turn a hair. Looking closely at his mother, he realised she was wearing ear pods. Not wanting to disturb his mother, he went back to the cupboard. As he looked at the game set, drinking it in, he realised he must do his last and dangerous plan.(see comment) John went to his room and took a swivel chair and pushed it to the cupboard. next, he stood at the swivel chair. Hoping that he would get the game set safely. He tiptoed and tried to reach it. Unfortunately, the swivel chair could not hold John's heavy weight, John fell with a loud thud. The thud was so loud that John's mother could hear it. Shocked, she rushed to the place, where John was lying in a pool of blood.

            The blood on the floor was still oozing from the cut of John's left leg.(see comment) Suddenly, John's mother heard a voice calling her," Mother, mother..." The voice soon died down. John's mother called '911' and in a matter of seconds, they were in the emergency room. John's parents was at the waiting area, anxious or what will happen. After two hours, a nurse informed John's parents that he needs (see comments) wheelchair. After the nurse left, John's parents rushed to John who was groaning in pain. As John saw his parents, he explained everything and promised never to do dangerous things.

(Suggested)

The Accident  by Ucee

            Although it happened one year ago, the memory of how John almost broke his leg was etched deeply in his mind...

            It was the June holidays. John, was feeling rather bored. So, he asked his mother if there was anything that she wanted him to do. " Watch me cook curry or do homework," replied his mother nonchalantly. John decided to play with his board game set. He went to the cupboard and realised that the game set was placed at the top shelf. "If only I had kept it myself," mumbled John to himself. The top shelf of the cupboard was way beyond his reach. No matter how hard he tried, John could not reach his game set.

            John paced about the house, lost in his thoughts. Suddenly he had a brainwave. "Mom! Can you please help me take down my game set please?" John begged his mother, who was sitting at the sofa, eating curry and watching her favourite television programme. To John's surprise, his mother did not even turn her head. She was so engrossed watching the programme that she was oblivious to what he was saying. Not wanting to disturb her, he went back to the cupboard. As he looked at the game set, he realised he had to carry out his most ultimate plan.

            John went back to his room and  pushed his swivel chair next to the cupboard. Next, he climbed onto the swivel chair and tiptoed precariously while reaching for his board game set. Unfortunately, the wheels on the chair started rolling and John fell off with a loud thud. John's mother heard the commotion and rushed into the room. She was shocked to see John lying in a pool of blood Blood was oozing profusely from deep cuts on his arms and legs. He had crashed into a large vase when he fell from the chair.

            John's mother immediately called for the ambulance. In a matter of minutes, the ambulance arrived and John was sent to the nearest hospital.

            While the medical team in the emergency room raced to stop the bleeding, John's parents waited anxiously outside. After what seemed like eternity, a nurse emerged from the room and informed them that John was doing fine. However, he had fractured one of his legs and would need to be on clutches crutches for a few months. After the nurse left, John's parents rushed into the room to see him. John was too weak to say anything but tears trickled down his cheeks.

            After John was discharged, he promised never to do something so foolish again.

My Comments:
Firstly, thank you Ucee for submitting the first composition!
You have a good range of vocabulary and I can see attempts to use idioms in your composition. However, you need to take note of the following points:

Always check you work before handing in! There are a great number of careless mistakes which suggests that you did not read through your writing prior to submitting!

• Paragraphing: You need to use paragraphing to bring out the flow of your story. Usually I will advise my students that when there is a significant change in setting or a 'special' event is introduced, you should start writing on a new paragraph. Eg. When John decided to get the game set himself, you are building up a new scenario in your story. This surely needs a new paragraph!
• Awkward sentences: "The blood on the floor was still oozing from the cut of John's left leg" I believe if you re-read this sentence, you'll find its meaning awkward! The blood is oozing from the floor!!!!! Nooooooo! I know you don't mean that! So read through your work! Be proud of it and make sure it is the best you can submit to your teachers before handing it in!
• Coherence / Linking: The beginning of your composition, you mentioned that John almost broke his leg. At the end, the nurse said he needed a wheelchair, which suggests he cannot walk properly. From my understanding, usually when my pupils write this, they are referring to a broken leg. Always refer to what you had written earlier so that your story flows in a sensible manner (is coherent)
• 'did not turn a hair': I don't think it is appropriate to use it here. This is more commonly used to suggest that someone is very brave and is not affected when faced with a difficult or dangerous situation. Eg. Tarzan did not turn a hair when the mighty lion let out an ear-shattering roar.
• 'drinking it in': I don't think it is appropriate to use it here, although it is obviously used with all the best intentions. We used this idiom more often to relate to some form of enjoyment when admiring something. E.g. When we reached the top of the hill, we breathed in the cool air while drinking in the breathtaking scenery.

Keep writing!