Accident at the Food Court (by LS, P5, 1st Draft)

Question
You were at a food court buying a bowl of noodles.  While you were looking for a seat, you accidentally knocked into an old man.  The bowl of noodles spilled onto him.  Based on the above situation, write a story of at least 150 words.

You must make use of points below in your story:-

• What happened to the old man?
• What you did next?
• What happened in the event?

You may reorder the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

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Accident at the Food Court by LS

Looking at the spilled noodles and hearing the ranting of the old man, I remembered how the incident began.

Running to the food court, I was very anxious to buy myself a bowl of noodles as I wanted to get home earlier.  After running for a short distance, I reached my destination.  I weaved through the crowds and bought myself a bowl of noodles.

After collecting my change, I hurriedly ran towards the exit of the food court.  When suddenly "ping" the bowl of noodles spilled all over an old man's head.  He started scolding "Look where you're going!  Do your eyes grow at the back of your head?  "Sorry" I replied with embarrassment.  I quickly helped him up and a kind passerby helped him wash up.  


When I reached home, I realized I was already two hours late.  I explained to my mum and relayed the whole incident to her.  She reprimanded 'me and advised me to be more careful in future.  I told her that I had learnt my lesson and promised to be extra careful.

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Comments

Firstly, thank you LS for submitting your composition!

Based on the requirements of the question, at first glance, I've spotted a few areas that need immediate attention. 

However, the most pressing one is the part underlined in red. 

The question states that the writer was looking for a seat when he had an accident and spilled the noodles on the old man. However, your composition suggests that the writer was leaving. So, it is unclear if

-the writer had a takeaway with him and the cover of the container came loose when he knocked into the old man, resulting in the spill

or

-the writer had a bowl of noodles and was leaving the food court when the incident occurred.

I like the conversation exchanged between the writer and the old man. It clearly expresses the old man's annoyance and how angry he was. Unfortunately, you need to bring the intensity of the conflict to a higher level for the reader to fully feel this displeasure.

Instead of commenting in terms of how you can elaborate, I thought I'd approach giving feedback differently this time. Below is a story web. I've constructed it based on the above question and hope that it can create some ideas for you to build up the story line.  (Click on it for a larger image)

After looking at the web, I would like you to try to:

1) Include the ideas from 'Senses' & 'Activity' branching out from 'Food Court' first.  

2) Then choose from 'Outcome 1' or 'Outcome 2' and try to develop a more intense conflict from there. (I'd love to read about a fight... :)  )

3) Finally, use the 'Conclusion' to end the composition.

Let's see if the story web can help you develop your story first.

Give it a try? You can do it!

Updated 30 Apr: Incident on the MRT (by WS, P5, Draft)

     

(Image provided by WS), for reference only

      John started to drift off lulled by the soft chatter in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape,  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life and the announcer's voice stating the next station was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his features.

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine, as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. 

When the chatter of the other commuters increased when they saw the bag speculating its source, John snapped out of his daze. Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer.

“There's a bag....” It was all John could managed before the other panicky commuters having reached the same conclusion as he did drowned out his next words. 
    The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves.

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves as a reminder to all to remain vigilant as we would not know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Thank you for the composition, WS!
Great command of the English language, interesting and vivid description and an extensive vocabulary! However, I think you can work more on your content. Let me look through this more carefully before I give my full comments and suggestions! 

Still, good job!

Here is my more detailed analysis:



       John started to drift off, lulled by the soft chatter (√) in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape (√),  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life (√) and the announcer's voice, stating the next station, was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his  features. (√)

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden (√) with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten (√) as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled (√) at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine (√), as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind (√) and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. (√)

When The chatter (√) of the other commuters increased crescendoed   when as they saw the bag speculating its source speculated about the source the bag. John snapped out of his daze(√). Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer. (√)

“There's a bag...” It was all John could managed, before the other panicky commuters, having reached the same conclusion as he did, drowned out his next words.  (√)

  The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers were ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. (See Notes 1) When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves. (√) (See Notes 2)

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves served as a reminder to all to remain vigilant, as we would not never know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Remarks

Wow! This composition is laden with vivid description. I can literally feel myself being drawn into the scenes in the story! 

Well done! 

However, once engrossed in our own writing, it is common to fall into the trap of writing 'running sentences' i.e sentences which are too long and crammed with ideas and descriptive terms. If you feel the need to include such complex sentences, do remember to punctuate them appropriately. Having said that, I will still advise you to avoid them, if possible.

As mentioned in my initial post, although you have demonstrated an extensive vocabulary, I think there is still room for improvement for in content development. 

Remember that a composition is graded both by Language and Content. Your language marks will be top notch (18 or 19) but your content may fall in the range of 14 - 16 / 20. The grade will depend on the consensus of the teachers grading your work.

Notes 1
Somehow I don't quite seem to be able to accept the use of 'verdict' here. I just can't picture the police delivering a verdict.

I will prefer 'outcome of the investigation'. What say you?


Notes 2

You have decided that the story will conclude as a false alarm. That's fine. However, it is not a 'convincing' one as you did not fully develop the following points brought up in your writing:

1) Why did the man leave the bag on the train?
2) If it was a false alarm, what was actually in the bag? Stolen goods left by a remorseful robber? Rubbish? Paraphernalia forsaken by a heart-broken fan(!)? Ransom money for a kidnapper?
3) Did the authorities managed to contact the person who left the bag behind?
4) If yes, how did they deal with the contents and the person? If no, what happened to the bag and its contents?

As you can see,  a lot of juice has still been left in the pulp! 

The unintentional cliffhanger makes the reader wonder "Why", "Then...?"

I strongly feel that if you devote one more paragraph to address the ambiguity, your composition is close to perfection!

I feel inadequate to write a suggested composition for this near-perfect piece of writing. Maybe WS can write a draft 2? 

I can't wait to read it if you are willing to try again!

Bullying Incident (by LS, P5, Draft 2)

Bullying Incident by LS, P5, 2nd Draft

          The canteen was as packed as sardines. Pupils were scattered everywhere The parade square was full of pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their on tete-a-tete.

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty of sweeping the floor. The fun was beckoning to me to join them, however, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However, a few minutes later, a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor.

          However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear into even grown men. I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me.

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility. Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight.

          As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash I had. The meager amount incited the wrath. They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach.

          A few minutes later, Mr Tan arrived in the nick of time. I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies, whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads.

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me. This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Thank you LS for your composition! There's an improvement in your content organization! Keep it up! Here are some suggestions how you might want to improve the composition.

         The canteen was as packed as sardines (√). Pupils were scattered everywhere at the play area playing catch or taking a stroll. The parade square was full of teeming with pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their own tete-a-tete (√) . The school grounds radiated sheer energy as the pupils made full use of their short-lived freedom, before the imminent school bell jolts them back to reality. (1)

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty, of sweeping the floor, in an empty classroom. The fun outside was beckoning to me, like the aroma of deep-fried chicken wings / freshly-baked bread , to join my friends at play.  However, Unfortunately, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However(2) Suddenly, a few minutes later, the lights went out and the fans stopped turning. a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor. While I was deciding if I should join my friends for soccer or to fill my rumbling stomach, the lights went on again. However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear even into grown men(√). I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero(√) and I shuddered as the fear seeped through my skin and grazed my bones. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me. (√)

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility (√). " Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight. I felt the hair at the back of my neck cringe. As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash that I had. The meager amount incited the wrath (√). They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach (√). (3) Just when the leader was about to administer another of his excruciating kicks on my back, I heard a shout, " Stop it right now!"

          Mr Tan, my form teacher, and a few other teachers had arrived in at the nick of time. Someone passing by the classroom saw what was going on and had alerted the teachers. Between painful coughs and gasps for air, I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies (4). The bullies, whom by then, had been subdued by a few male teachers, were sweating like hogs and trembling like leaves whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads. The boys

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded punished. while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me immediate medical attention. My injuries took months to heal but I still have recurrent nightmares of that fateful day.  This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Comments

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your obvious improvement. I think you had have made tremendous effort to improve your paragraphing and also made conscious effort to link your story more coherently. Applause!

Being an above-average writer, you have been more adventurous with your choice of words. Keep experimenting! I hope my comments and feedback can help you fine-tune your writing skills and I look forward to your next composition!

(1) The first paragraph sets the scene aptly in contrast with what is about to be revealed in the rest of the story. Good! I'd add a tad more description to strengthen the happy and lively atmosphere to contrast with the gloom of being bullied.

(2) 'However' has been used thrice in this composition!

(3) There is a lapse here. What happened between being punched and when Mr Tan arrived? (By the way, who is Mr Tan?) Suggestion in red...

(4) I think the writer will be too weak to peer at anyone...

Note: 

a) The composition was submitted with a picture but I have problems uploading it.

b) LS is an above-average writer and my comments are intended to help him kick up the notch and jazz up his work.

Shoplifting (by LS, P5, Completed)

Question

You were shopping for a Mother’s Day gift.  While you were looking at some merchandise, a sales assistant tapped you on the shoulder and accused you of shoplifting.

Based on the above situation, write a story of at east 150 words.

You must make use of the points below in your story:

What went through your mind

What happened next

How it all ended.

You may re-order the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

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Shoplifting by LS

The air-conditioning blasted its cool air (1) keeping the area in the shopping centre nice and chilled.(2)  I was playing my electronic games and was distracted by a thrilling episode in the game.  I was separated from my parents (3) without knowing.

I felt a tap halfway in the midst (16) of the game.  I paused it, and looked up.  A sales assistant stared at me.  “Why did you steal the PS3?” bellowed the assistant.  I was stunned and speechless (√). After a while, I asked “where is the evidence?”  The sales assistant pointed at an empty box with cold, steely eyes (4).  I trembled in fear and insisted  I did not do it! The commotion attracted many people.  I could even see a mother telling her son not to be a thief like me.  My cheeks were flushed with embarrassment (√).  Just then, I felt a tug. I struggled but the sales assistant was too strong for me. I was pulled to the office. 

When I was inside, a serious-looking manager was staring (5) at me in anger.  He had a hooked nose that resembled an eagle’s beak (√).  The man had a moustache that twirled up at the two sides (√).  He spoke in a harsh raspy voice that scrapped at my nerves (√).  “What did this boy do?”  he demanded.  “He stole a PS3 (6)” the sales assistant lied (7).  He took away my phone and demanded to (7) call my mother.  I told my mother the truth (8), but then the sales assistant snatched the phone and said “Your son was shoplifting” (9)  “What?  Where is he?” I’ll pick him up right now!"(10) 

A few minutes later, my mother arrived.  The assistant told her the whole story (11), but I insisted I did nothing wrong.  Being a caring and intelligent mother, she insisted to view the camera.  Soon, the security guard was called.  The security guard was in his crisp and well-pressed uniform. The bright shiny buttons on his uniform glistened in the sunlight. He pulled out a thumbdrive(√) and inserted it into a computer.  Our eyes narrowed (√) on the screen.  We (12) soon realized that it wasn’t (13) me but a student who was my enemy and wanted to get me into trouble.  The embarrassed sales assistant gave me vouchers to compensate me for my embarrassment (14).

I was glad it was all over, until I saw Daniel.  He was the culprit.  I saw him holding the new PS3.  He was soon caught.  Every cloud has a silver lining for I had finally took revenge on Daniel .   (15)

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My Comments

I am truly heartened to see some improvement in LS' writing! I think that other than attempting to constantly review his work while writing, mom's support is probably the most crucial here! Great attempt!

As mentioned in LS' first composition, he has a good range of vocabulary. The story flows better now but there are still constant errors in punctuation.

One crucial part that needs improvement is that a major point has been omitted from the composition i.e buying Mother's Day present. Depending on how strict the marking is, he will definitely be penalized! So always check back the requirements of the question!

Specific Ares:

(1) Missing comma "...blasted its cool air, keeping..."

(2) This would be an appropriate part of the composition to explain why 'you' were at the shopping centre. e.g. As Mother's Day was just round the corner, I wanted to get a special gift for my mother. While waiting for my parents, who were shopping for groceries, I decided to entertain myself by playing my favourite video game...

(3) Expression seems a bit awkward. Can try to use 'unknowingly'.

(4) Awkward expression... A box does not have eyes... : )

(5) 'stared at me' instead of 'was staring'

(6) and (7) Missing punctation i.e. "He stole a 'PS3'," insisted the sales assistant (the sales assistant was not lying, he/she assumed but not lied)

(8) I explained what happened 

(9) and (10) Missing punctuation and some details (pls see suggested composition below)

(11) Awkward expression (pls see suggested composition below)

(12) Inappropriate choice of pronoun. 'I' knew he was innocent. So should use 'They' and not 'We'.

(13) Avoid contraction in formal writing, unless within dialogue.

(14) Root word with 'embarrass' used twice. Instead can replace expression with other emotion e.g. distress and frustration

(15) A weak conclusion. This is typical of all students as they are so relieved that the composition is almost completed. Try to keep the stamina up till the very last word!

(16) Similar meaning, keep either 'halfway' or 'in the midst'

Suggested Composition

       The air-conditioning blasted its cool air, keeping the area in the shopping centre nice and chilled. As Mother's Day was just round the corner, I wanted to get a special gift for my mother. While waiting for my parents, who were grocery shopping, I decided to entertain myself by playing my favourite video game.  I was distracted by a thrilling episode in the game and unknowingly got separated from them.

        While totally engrossed in the game, I suddenly felt a tug in the midst of the game.  I paused it, and looked up.  A sales assistant stared at me.  “Why did you steal the 'PS3'?” bellowed the assistant.  I was stunned and speechless.  After recovering from the shock, I asked, “Where is the evidence?”  With cold, steely eyes, the sales assistant pointed at an empty video game box behind me.  I trembled in fear and insisted that I did not do it! The commotion attracted many people.  I could even see a mother telling her son not to be a thief like me.  My cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.  Just then, I felt a tug I struggled but the sales assistant was too strong for me.  I was pulled into the office.

        When I was inside, a serious-looking manager stared at me angrily.  He had a hooked nose that resembled an eagle’s beak.  The man had a moustache that twirled up at the two ends.  He spoke in a harsh, raspy voice that scrapped at my nerves.  “What did this boy do?”  he demanded.  “He stole a PS3!” the sales assistant insisted.  He took away my phone and demanded that I called my mother.  I told my mother what had happened, but the sales assistant snatched the phone and declared, “Your son was shoplifting!” I heard mother's voice over the speaker phone, “What?  Where is he? I’ll pick him up right now!”

        A few minutes later, my mother arrived.  The assistant related the whole incident the way she believed it to have happened while I insisted that I did nothing wrong.  Being a caring and intelligent mother, she insisted on viewing the video footage from the security camera.  Soon, the security guard was called in.  The security guard arrived in his crisp and well-pressed uniform. The bright shiny buttons on his uniform glistened in the sunlight. He pulled out a thumbdrive and inserted it into a computer.  Our eyes narrowed on the screen.  Sure enough, they realized that I was not the culprit. Instead it was a student, Daniel, who was my arch enemy. He set me up because he wanted to get me into trouble.  The embarrassed sales assistant gave me vouchers to compensate me for my distress and frustration.

        When the air was cleared, I heaved a great sigh of relief. As for Daniel, his parents were informed and he was severely reprimanded for his evil deed. Although I know it is wrong to feel revengeful, but when I heard that he got what he deserved, I simply could not wipe the smirk off my face!

Stealing (P5, LS, Completed, No Pic)

Stealing by LS

  Today, at Compass Point, we have a Great Singapore Sale! All the items on sale are at 50% or above from the original price came a voice from the radio (1).  Being an avid (√) shopper, I took my wallet and my handbag and dashed towards the shopping mall.

  The shopping mall was packed like sardines (√).  While walking, a banner caught my eye(√).  Curious, I walked towards it.  It (2) was 80% off!  I rushed towards to shop and asked the manager how it worked. 

  (3)Fascinated, I placed my order.  Meanwhile, my son, Ah Ling spotted me wanting to get money for his video game, he crept towards me stealthily.  Once he reached near me, he took away my wallet and rushed off. (4)

  “Here is your X-phone, Mrs. May.  Please give us $1800 if you ant internet connection.  If not, please give me $1700” said, the manager. (5)

  When I reached for my wallet, I realized it was gone!  I then cancelled my order and ran to the police station to make a police report.  Meanwhile, Ah Ling went to the game shop to buy his  new video game “Hellboy 2”.  When he scanned his credit card (6), the retail assistant noticed that it was not his credit card.

  The retail assistant called the police.  Ah Ling heard it and fled, stealing a few other video games (√).  At the police station, I gave my statement and at the same time, the call came (7).  The police officers sprang into action(√). 

  After a few hours, Ah Ling was caught.  “Ah Ling? Why did you steal my wallet?  Why didn’t you listen to my advice to find a job?”  He hung his head in shame (√)  and was led away by the police officers.  As Ah Ling was my brother (8), I pleaded the police officer to give him a lighter statement.  The police officer agreed.

  After the hours of panic.  I decided it was best to go home.  I threw my bag on the floor and went to on the television.  When I saw what was on the news, I was shocked.  I saw police officer and Ah Ling in handcuffs. 

  I hope Ah Ling learned his lesson and I hope he will not do it (9) again in the future.

My Comments

Mmm...Interesting.

L.S seems to have a basic command of the language and has an above-average range of vocabulary. He has no problem developing the content of his story but seems to have issues with organization, paragraphing and punctuation. I agree with his mom that he has mixed up the characters in his story and there are some missing links throughout his composition, causing it to become very confusing.

Here are some specific comments & suggestions pertaining to this piece of writing:

(1) I actually like the way LS started the composition. Unfortunately, the missing punctuation and the manner in which it was expressed shadowed the creative start. There is also no clear setting / scene here so the reader cannot form a picture in our minds.

 (2) LS has a story churning in his mind and is very enthusiastic about developing it. He knows what he wants to write about but (jn his excitement / impatience) he forgets to convey his thoughts clearly to the reader. i.e. What is the shop selling? What is the item on promotion?

(3) Again, the enthusiasm causes him to miss a link explaining what fascinated 'I'. He also forgets to tell the reader a bit more about 'Ah Ling' e.g. age, student or jobless etc. There appears to be missing fullstop i.e "....spotted me. Wanting to..." The missing punctuation totally distorts the content!

(4) Missing punctuation and a need to re-arrange his sentences in order to convey the intended idea.

(5) Missing link from (2) affects our understanding of what is happening here.

(6) Missing information from (3) causes this sentence and its content to become awkward i.e. how old is Ah Ling? Why can he use a credit card? Is he an adult?

(7) Again, too much enthusiasm ( to complete the story?) that he forgets to convey his ideas clearly. He has a wonderful detail here about Ah Ling stealing before trying to escape. This point emphasizes on Ah Ling's delinquency!

(8) Opps! Character mix-up! Actually, this is a common mistake! LS must learn to review his work by reading his story a few times before declaring he has completed it!

(9) A common mistake. A lot of students like to end their composition this way! LS has to learn to be more specific in terms of the lesson learnt by the character and what mistakes he will not commit again.

My General Suggestions for LS (prior to emailing his mom):

Firstly, the best person to assess LS's learning needs is none other than his teacher. My suggestion here is based on what I gather from this piece of work.   I would still strongly encourage you to speak to his teacher.

My honest sense is that the child has a lot of wonderful ideas and he likes to write. He seems to experience an overdrive of ideas and is unable to co-ordinate between letting the ideas flow and then conveying them as intended to the reader. He also needs to constantly review / read back what he writes in order to avoid the mistake he made in this composition.

(after corresponding with LS' mom and understanding some of his needs)

If like LS, your child enjoys writing and is bursting with wonderful ideas but seem to have some problems organizing his story, you could consider:

A) Writing Down the Ideas

-Get your child used to writing down words, short phrases that pop into their minds.(very briefly)

-Some children do not know how to write points and end up writing a story on their question paper and that's a waste of precious examination time!

-It has to be points only. Instead of having all these ideas swimming in his head, the written form can help organize the ideas better

B) Help your child learn how to organize their story

-If you think your child gets too excited about writing his stories, give him a structured approach to his writing task. If your child works well with rules, the following may help:

STEPS TO FOLLOW:

1) Read question.

2) Write down main ideas that pop into mind. (briefly)

3) Write down characters and relationship. (briefly)

4) Start writing about first 2 main ideas. (actual writing)

1st REVIEW: Relook at the question, main ideas from brainstorming and CHECK characters and relationship.

5) Continue with writing about next 2 -3 main ideas. (actual writing)

2nd REVIEW (as above)

6) Continue with writing any remaining main ideas and conclude (actual writing)

Final REVIEW & check for grammar / spelling errors.

Do let me know if it works. I cannot guarantee it but it's definitely worth a try!

Suggested Composition

      "Today, at Compass Point, we are having the Great Singapore Sale! All the items on sale are at a discount of fifty percent or more!"  an advertisement blared loudly over the radio.  Being an avid shopper, I took my wallet and my handbag and dashed towards the shopping mall.

        The shopping mall was packed like sardines.  While walking, a banner caught my eye.  Curious, I walked towards it. A mobile phone shop was selling everything at an eighty percent discount! I rushed towards the shop and asked the manager for details of the promotion. 

Fascinated that the discount was genuine, I quickly chose my dream phone and approached the cashier to make payment.  Meanwhile, my delinquent son, Ah Ling, spotted me inside the shop. Ah Ling was the black sheep of the family. A school drop-out, he refused to retake his examinations and spent his time loitering around shopping malls and getting himself into trouble. Needing money for a video game he could not afford, he crept towards me stealthily. Once he was close enough, he snitched my wallet effortlessly from my handbag and sped off just as discreetly.

        Back at the shop, I was deciding which mobile plan to sign up for. “Here is your X-phone, Mrs. May.  Please give us $1800 if you want internet connection.  If not, your plan will be $1700,” explained the manager. After making up my mind, I reached for my wallet and realized that it was gone!  I then cancelled my order and ran to the police station to make a police report.  Meanwhile, Ah Ling went to the game shop to buy his new video game 'Hellboy 2'. When the retail assistant scanned the credit card, she noticed that it did not belong to Ah Ling. She called the police immediately.  Ah Ling overheard the call and fled after stealing a few other video games.  At the police station, while giving my statement, the police received the call from the game shop.  The police officers sprang straight into action. 

        After a few hours, Ah Ling was caught and brought to the police station.  “Ah Ling? Why did you steal my wallet?  Why didn’t you listen to my advice and find a job?” Ah Ling hung his head in shame and was led away by the police officers.  As Ah Ling was my son, I pleaded the police officer to ask the judge for a lighter sentence.  The police officer agreed to help him.

        After the hours of stress, panic and grief.  I decided it was best for me to go home.  I threw my bag on the floor and switched on the television.  When I saw what was on the news, I was shocked.  I saw the police officers handcuffing Ah Ling at the mall. He looked so ashamed and confused. Although I was deeply saddened by the incident, I hope Ah Ling will learn his lesson and turn over a new leaf.