Kicking Up the Notch Part (3) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions - Drowning / Rescued from Drowning

(This post is an extension of 'Selected Reading Material 4: Drowning / Rescued from Drowning')

Here is a suggestion on a more advanced approach to writing to composition based on the scenario given in the above post on 'Drowning':

Suggestion (2) Flashback

    Lisa's eyes began to blur as darkness enveloped her. Her head felt like it weighed a thousand kilograms. She could not breathe as water began to gush into her nostrils and choked the life out of her. Just then, she felt a strong tug. Someone was shouting at her but she could not decipher what the voice was trying to tell her. Then, she felt herself being lifted from the water and laid onto a soft surface. Lisa was abruptly conscious that she was no longer engulfed in darkness as the light now pierced her eyes and tingled her senses. She cackled and coughed before she instinctively tried to gasp for air. At first, the water clogged her airways and she felt a burning sensation in her chest. Still no air. In desperation, she coughed as hard as she could. The force of the cough immediately cleared her airways and this time, she was successful. Fresh moist air raced into her system, rejuvenating the blood cells throughout her body. As the pressure in her head lightened, her vision began to return to her...

    "Lisa! Lisa! Are you alright?" screamed Leo, Lisa's brother. Lisa was too weak to reply him. She barely nodded her head before she drifted into a deep sleep. Having survived a near-drowning, Lisa was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep for a while...

    The sun was like a fire ball in the clear blue sky. Lisa and Leo had begged their mother to bring them swimming. The weather was overwhelmingly hot and Mrs Jones needed very little persuasion to make the trip down the nearby swimming complex.

    When they arrived at the pool, it was very crowded. Mrs Jones reminded the children to be extra vigilant while in the water. As Lisa was not a good swimmer, she even made Lisa promise that she would always stay on the float. While the children splashed about in the pool, Mrs Jones laid down on a beach chair and soon fell asleep.
  
    Leo and Lisa had a great time splashing water at each other. Just when they were deciding what to do next, they heard a shout, "Leo! We are here! Come and join us!" Leo's friends were also at the pool. Wanting badly to join them, Leo made a callous and irresponsible decision. "Stay on your float! I'll be back soon!" he instructed Lisa before swimming towards them. Lisa panicked. She did not want to be left behind. She tried to paddle along but Leo had already disappeared into the crowd. In her haste to catch up with him, Lisa lost her balance and slipped into the water!

    Lisa splashed her arms frantically about as she desperately tried to keep her head above the water. Unfortunately, everyone around her was oblivious to what was happening. They thought she was just fooling around so they continued playing and chatting among themselves. Lisa felt the muscles in body bunching up. She was exhausted. Her arms were aching and she could no longer breathe. She was losing consciousness when the lifeguard reached her and dumped her lifeless body on his float.


    When Lisa finally came round, she was in the hospital. Mrs Jones wept tears of joy and relief when Lisa finally opened her eyes and smiled at her. "I'll never leave you out of my sight, ever!" declared Mrs Jones. Leo hung his head low in shame as he approached his sister's side. "I'm so sorry Lisa. Really. Please forgive me. I'll never be irresponsible again," promised Leo. Overcome with fatigue, Lisa nodded her head again and managed a smile before slipping back into a deep sleep.


I hope you can try out this more advanced approach to writing. It is really more refreshing than the typical and traditional form of organising a composition. However, you'll need lots of practice before actually adopting it during an examination!

Bullying Incident (by LS, P5, Draft 2)

Bullying Incident by LS, P5, 2nd Draft

          The canteen was as packed as sardines. Pupils were scattered everywhere The parade square was full of pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their on tete-a-tete.

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty of sweeping the floor. The fun was beckoning to me to join them, however, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However, a few minutes later, a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor.

          However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear into even grown men. I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me.

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility. Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight.

          As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash I had. The meager amount incited the wrath. They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach.

          A few minutes later, Mr Tan arrived in the nick of time. I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies, whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads.

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me. This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Thank you LS for your composition! There's an improvement in your content organization! Keep it up! Here are some suggestions how you might want to improve the composition.

         The canteen was as packed as sardines (√). Pupils were scattered everywhere at the play area playing catch or taking a stroll. The parade square was full of teeming with pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their own tete-a-tete (√) . The school grounds radiated sheer energy as the pupils made full use of their short-lived freedom, before the imminent school bell jolts them back to reality. (1)

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty, of sweeping the floor, in an empty classroom. The fun outside was beckoning to me, like the aroma of deep-fried chicken wings / freshly-baked bread , to join my friends at play.  However, Unfortunately, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However(2) Suddenly, a few minutes later, the lights went out and the fans stopped turning. a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor. While I was deciding if I should join my friends for soccer or to fill my rumbling stomach, the lights went on again. However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear even into grown men(√). I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero(√) and I shuddered as the fear seeped through my skin and grazed my bones. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me. (√)

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility (√). " Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight. I felt the hair at the back of my neck cringe. As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash that I had. The meager amount incited the wrath (√). They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach (√). (3) Just when the leader was about to administer another of his excruciating kicks on my back, I heard a shout, " Stop it right now!"

          Mr Tan, my form teacher, and a few other teachers had arrived in at the nick of time. Someone passing by the classroom saw what was going on and had alerted the teachers. Between painful coughs and gasps for air, I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies (4). The bullies, whom by then, had been subdued by a few male teachers, were sweating like hogs and trembling like leaves whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads. The boys

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded punished. while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me immediate medical attention. My injuries took months to heal but I still have recurrent nightmares of that fateful day.  This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Comments

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your obvious improvement. I think you had have made tremendous effort to improve your paragraphing and also made conscious effort to link your story more coherently. Applause!

Being an above-average writer, you have been more adventurous with your choice of words. Keep experimenting! I hope my comments and feedback can help you fine-tune your writing skills and I look forward to your next composition!

(1) The first paragraph sets the scene aptly in contrast with what is about to be revealed in the rest of the story. Good! I'd add a tad more description to strengthen the happy and lively atmosphere to contrast with the gloom of being bullied.

(2) 'However' has been used thrice in this composition!

(3) There is a lapse here. What happened between being punched and when Mr Tan arrived? (By the way, who is Mr Tan?) Suggestion in red...

(4) I think the writer will be too weak to peer at anyone...

Note: 

a) The composition was submitted with a picture but I have problems uploading it.

b) LS is an above-average writer and my comments are intended to help him kick up the notch and jazz up his work.

Kicking Up the Notch Part (2) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions

"I've Said it Once, I've Said it Twice!..." So Don't Just SAY It!

Despite the fact that teachers have repeatedly reminded pupils to use a wider range of 'said' words, students often feel uncomfortable about venturing out of their comfort zone and experimenting with more varied vocabulary.

I often told my brighter pupils to experiment. If they don't get it quite right, I'll comment on it and they move on from there. 

Do not feel embarrassed if you use the words inappropriately. Learn from the mistake and use it at the right instance.

Here are some wonderful words which can convey the speaker's emotions so much more aptly than just 'said', 'told' or 'ask'.

Scene One

I declared, " I am never going to play with you again! You are a sore loser and a despicable cheat!" 

"Mommy! Sister is being bossy again! You see, she is bullying me again!" complained my younger sister, Lisa.

"Why can't the two of you agree on anything? I am sure Lisa did not mean to cheat. Maybe she did not understand the rules?" suggested mother.

"Seems more like she knows it like the back of her hand and loves bending it to her favour," I snorted, rolling my eyes in disgust.

"You are the one who is cheating. How would I know how to change the rules?"retorted Lisa.

"Stop it this instance!" exclaimed mother. "You will both go into your rooms and you are not allowed to speak to anyone for one hour! Anyone breaks the rule and you'll go to bed with no dinner! I mean it!" Mother bellowed.

Look up the meaning of the above underlined words and fill in the following blanks with the most suitable word.

1) "How dare you accuse me of breaking the vase! Did you see me break it?" Ahmad __________________________.

2) "No way! They are performing in Singapore? Wow!" ____________________ Ashley in delight.

3) "I will never speak to strangers ever again!"  _________________ Kuraisha.

4) Maggie ______________, " You call that a dress? I wouldn't be surprise if someone thinks you're wearing our table cloth!"

5) The teacher ___________________, " You are not allowed to play with the instruments in the Science laboratory! Some of these chemicals are very toxic and dangerous!"

Scene Two

Still fuming with anger, I stormed into my room. "Nonsense! Who needs a baby sister!" I ranted and raved mindlessly for a good half an hour before my clouded mind started to clear.

From the corner of my eye, I peeped at the photographs lined on top of the dresser - Sparkling eyes, chubby cheeks and beaming smiles. " Maybe she really didn't understand the rules," I conceded finally. Suddenly I felt ashamed of my unreasonable behaviour. Fancy a twelve-year-old picking on a seven-year-old!

When the hour was finally up, I crept stealthily to Lisa's room. The door was ajar and I could barely make out Lisa's voice beyond the door. "Why did Sister say those things? I am not a cheat! Why can't she be nice to me?" Lisa lamented in a low, trembling voice. 

I pushed the door open and approached Lisa with a heavy heart. After taking a  deep breath, I finally blurted, " I'm sorry. It's all my fault." Lisa stared at me, doe-eyed. "Please don't cry!" I pleaded sincerely. When Lisa raced towards me and hugged me like a koala bear, I knew all was forgiven.

Look up the meaning of the above underlined words and fill in the following blanks with the most suitable word.

1) "So much homework! When will this ever end?" Peter ________________ sorely.

2) After a long battle, the general _____________________, " We have run out of supplies. Tell the men to put down their weapons. We have truly lost this time!"

3) "Yucks!" Tommy _____________________ after he ate a mouthful of dad's cooking, before turning crimson after realizing what he had done.

4) After gulping down a full bottle of brandy and to the horror of his family, Mr Lim ____________________________ like a mad man, " This is not my home! You are not my family...!"

5) "Don't hurt me! I'll give you all my money!" Grandpa ________________ to the robber.

Answers to the above activities:
Scene 1:
1) retorted  2) exclaimed  3) declared  4) snorted  5) bellowed

Scene 2:
1) lamented  2) conceded  3) blurted  4) ranted and raved  5) pleaded

Scene Three

As I stepped into the room, I could hear the squeaking of rubber soles on the disinfected linoleum laminate floors. For some reason or other, the people here spoke in whispers. Occasionally, you could hear someone sobbing and another sniveling in a far corner. I turned into the hallway and saw a familiar face. She looked very pale.

"How is he?" I whispered to her. "The doctors said that he is still very weak," she replied quietly. I nodded and stepped towards the bed.

The accident had left Uncle seriously injured. His face was covered with lacerations and bandages, that the once handsome man was now barely recognizable. " Uncle, how...how... are you?" I stammered, choking back my tears. 

He was conscious but the morphine must have settled well into his system and he stared blankly at me with glassy eyes. A tiny tear gathered at the corner of his left eye. My heart felt like I had just leaped from a hovering helicopter and it gagged on my throat, rendering me speechless. Despite his silence, he had acknowledged my presence and hinted that he was aware of my concerns.

Memories of how he had lifted and tossed me around when I was still a child flooded my mind. His roaring laughter and generous hugs were now a fragment of the past. I quickly looked away and attempted to stifle the pressure building up in my eyes.

"Only time can tell how this ordeal is going to end," Jane sighed. "Yes," I agreed, "Only time can tell." 


In Scene Three, I've deliberately used some common 'say' words when writing the above passage. This is to highlight to you that it does not necessarily mean that a good piece of writing must be overflowing with bombastic and inflated vocabulary. As long as the words are appropriately used with other suitable and vivid description, even simple words like 'agreed' can bring across the necessary emotions aptly.

I hope this segment of Resources for Writing Outstanding Composition has proved useful to some of you. 

Do have the courage to experiment and make mistakes along the way. Only when you try, then you'll be able to learn from the process.

Have fun!

** End of Kicking Up the Notch Part (2) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions **

Kicking Up the Notch Part (I) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions

(updated with Example 3)
More than One way to Organize and Present your Composition

(A Resource for Continuous Writing - Upper Primary 2013-2014)

Most events in a composition are presented in a chronological manner i.e. The events are described as one happening after the other.

This approach is fine and is the basic presentation of a typical composition.

In order to illustrate the effects of the different forms of Organization & Presentation, I'd like to provide examples through a common question (continuous writing):

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Question

When the pupils reached the field, Alex suddenly realized that he had forgotten his spectacles. After asking permission from his teacher, he ran back to the classroom. To his surprise, he saw someone digging into his schoolbag...

Based on the above situation, write a composition of at least 150 words using the following points. 

-Who was the person in the classroom

-Why was he digging into Alex's schoolbag

-What did Alex do next

-What happened in the end

You may reorder the points and / or include your own.

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Example 1: Typical Presentation

          After days of stormy weather, the boys waited excitedly for their PE teacher, Mr Lim, to arrive for an hour of games and play at the field. When he finally stepped into the classroom, the class broke out into a cacophony of cheers, shouts and applause. Soon, the boys were at the field ready for some action.

          "Oh no!" shouted Alex in dismay. "I've left my glasses in the classroom! Mr Lim, can I please go back and get it? I can't see anything!"

          Once his teacher nodded, Alex zoomed back to class at lightning speed. As he was approaching his classroom, Alex noticed some movement beyond the classroom windows. He dismissed it at first, thinking that he definitely needed his spectacles. However, when he was just about to step into the room, he heard a creak and knew that that movement was not a fragment of his imagination. He peeked in stealthily and was surprised to see his classmate, Billy, digging into his bag!

          "Hey! What are you doing!" bellowed Alex. The shout caught Billy totally by surprise and while turning towards Alex, knocked his hand onto the back of Alex's chair. The reason for Billy's intrusion into Alex's bag was loosened from his grip and flung a short distance away. Alex could not believe his eyes when he saw his handphone 'took flight' and 'crash-landed' onto the concrete floor. He could feel his blood reaching boiling point as he gave chase when the culprit took to his heels almost immediately.

          Unfortunately for Billy, Alex was the school's champion sprinter. In no time, Alex caught up with Billy and pinned him to the ground. Billy struggled defiantly and tried to punch Alex in the face. Alex was an agile boy and easily dodged the blow. Unfortunately, while dodging the punch, Alex turned his face right into a fire extinguisher next to him. The metal grazed his forehead and blood started oozing from the wound.

          By then, the commotion had attracted both students and teachers. The teachers tore the boys apart and reprimanded them severely before giving Alex a chance to explain. When the truth of what happened came into light, Billy hung his head while he was led into the principal's office and Alex's wound was treated at the sick bay.

          Further investigations revealed that Billy had been stealing his schoolmates' handphones when there was no one in the classrooms. He then sold the phones to different second-hand phone dealers and used the money to buy treats for himself and his siblings. Billy was handed to the Police. As he was only a child, he was ordered by the judge to complete two hundred hours of community service.

          Alex's parents were furious of his impulsive behaviour and warned him never to behave in a manner which might jeopardize the safety of anyone. The scar on his forehead left him an indelible reminder to always think twice before acting.

Example 2: Recollection

-This is one of the most common ways to present your composition in a more creative manner. Usually the story begins with the main character recalling an incident and then the story moves on in a similar manner as in a typical organization.

          When Alex saw his reflection in the mirror, the scar on his forehead, reminded him how impulsive he was the day he had a fight with his classmate, Billy. It also serves as an indelible reminder that violence is not the way to resolve a problem. He was fortunate that Billy was not hurt, else how was he able to bear the consequences?

          "Oh no!" shouted Alex in dismay. "I've left my glasses in the classroom! Mr Lim, can I please go back and get it? I can't see anything!" The class had just arrived at the field for their PE lessons when Alex realized how careless he had been. Once his teacher nodded, Alex zoomed back to class at lightning speed.

          As he was approaching his classroom, Alex noticed some movement beyond the classroom windows. He dismissed it at first, thinking that he definitely needed his spectacles. However, when he was just about to step into the room, he heard a creak and knew that that movement was not a fragment of his imagination. He peeked in stealthily and was surprised to see his classmate, Billy, digging into his bag!

          "Hey! What are you doing!" bellowed Alex. The shout caught Billy totally by surprise and while turning towards Alex, knocked his hand onto the back of Alex's chair. The reason for Billy's intrusion into Alex's bag was loosened from his grip and flung a short distance away. Alex could not believe his eyes when he saw his handphone 'took flight' and 'crash-landed' onto the concrete floor. He could feel his blood reaching boiling point as he gave chase when the culprit took to his heels almost immediately.

          Unfortunately for Billy, Alex was the school's champion sprinter. In no time, Alex caught up with Billy and pinned him to the ground. Billy struggled defiantly and tried to punch Alex in the face. Alex was an agile boy and easily dodged the blow. Unfortunately, while dodging the punch, Alex turned his face right into a fire extinguisher next to him. The metal grazed his forehead and blood started oozing from the wound.

          By then, the commotion had attracted both students and teachers. The teachers tore the boys apart and reprimanded them severely before giving Alex a chance to explain. When the truth of what happened came into light, Billy hung his head while he was led into the principal's office and Alex's wound was treated at the sick bay.

          Further investigations revealed that Billy had been stealing his schoolmates' handphones when there was no one in the classrooms. He then sold the phones to different second-hand phone dealers and used the money to buy treats for himself and his siblings. Billy was handed to the Police and because he was only a child, was ordered by the judge to complete two hundred hours of community service.

          Alex nodded at his reflection and declared, "No more violence!"

Example 3: Flashback

-This method of presentation if different from Recollection as the character in the story experiences flashbacks of what had happened throughout the story. This is one of the most challenging form of presentation, requiring good organization skills and a calm disposition to map out the story while still conjuring up its content.

I've read compositions presented this way during the PSLE marking exercises. So, it's not impossible. I believe it boils down to practice and keeping calm.

          Alex only remembered chasing Billy furiously. When he saw his handphone flung out of Billy's hand and crashing onto the classroom floor, he felt his blood boil and began chasing Billy like a raging bull charging at the matador. In no time, Alex caught up with Billy and pinned him to the ground. Billy struggled defiantly and tried to punch Alex in the face. Alex was an agile boy and easily dodged the blow. Unfortunately, while dodging the punch, Alex turned his face right into a fire extinguisher next to him. The metal grazed his forehead and blood started oozing from the wound.

          Now,  Alex was sitting at the sick bay and his teachers were treating the ugly graze from the fight which occurred only moments ago. He did not mean to pick a fight. Alex was on his way back to class during PE lessons to retrieve his spectacles. He realized he had left it there only when the class had reached the field. With his teacher's permission, he tore down the corridor so that he could return promptly to join his friends.

          However, when he was just about to step into the room, he heard a creak He peeked in stealthily and was surprised to see his classmate, Billy, digging into his bag! "Hey! What are you doing!" bellowed Alex. The shout caught Billy totally by surprise and while turning towards Alex, knocked his hand onto the back of Alex's chair. Billy was holding something in his hand and the knock had loosened his grip and it flung a short distance away. Alex could not believe his eyes when he saw his handphone 'take flight' and 'crash-landed' onto the concrete floor. He could feel his blood reaching boiling point as he began to give chase while Billy had taken to his heels almost immediately.

          "Ouch! That hurts!" Alex jolted back to reality as his teacher secured a dressing over his would. "Well, then this should be a good reminder that you should never be so impulsive again!" lectured his teacher. Alex nodded quietly.

          After further investigations, it appeared that Billy had been stealing his schoolmates' handphones when there was no one in the classrooms. He then sold the phones to different second-hand phone dealers and used the money to buy treats for himself and his siblings. Billy was handed to the Police and because he was only a child, was ordered by the judge to complete two hundred hours of community service.

          The graze on Alex's forehead eventually turned into a scar, which became an indelible reminder of how he should always think before acting so impulsively ever again.

Impressive? I think so too. Why don't why let you child attempt the question and email it to me for review & comments? I love to read children's work! They are often more creative and imaginative than adults!

If not, I still hope this proves to be helpful. 

**This concludes 'More than One way to Organize and Present your Composition'**