Accident at the Food Court (by LS, P5, 1st Draft)

Question
You were at a food court buying a bowl of noodles.  While you were looking for a seat, you accidentally knocked into an old man.  The bowl of noodles spilled onto him.  Based on the above situation, write a story of at least 150 words.

You must make use of points below in your story:-

• What happened to the old man?
• What you did next?
• What happened in the event?

You may reorder the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

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Accident at the Food Court by LS

Looking at the spilled noodles and hearing the ranting of the old man, I remembered how the incident began.

Running to the food court, I was very anxious to buy myself a bowl of noodles as I wanted to get home earlier.  After running for a short distance, I reached my destination.  I weaved through the crowds and bought myself a bowl of noodles.

After collecting my change, I hurriedly ran towards the exit of the food court.  When suddenly "ping" the bowl of noodles spilled all over an old man's head.  He started scolding "Look where you're going!  Do your eyes grow at the back of your head?  "Sorry" I replied with embarrassment.  I quickly helped him up and a kind passerby helped him wash up.  


When I reached home, I realized I was already two hours late.  I explained to my mum and relayed the whole incident to her.  She reprimanded 'me and advised me to be more careful in future.  I told her that I had learnt my lesson and promised to be extra careful.

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Comments

Firstly, thank you LS for submitting your composition!

Based on the requirements of the question, at first glance, I've spotted a few areas that need immediate attention. 

However, the most pressing one is the part underlined in red. 

The question states that the writer was looking for a seat when he had an accident and spilled the noodles on the old man. However, your composition suggests that the writer was leaving. So, it is unclear if

-the writer had a takeaway with him and the cover of the container came loose when he knocked into the old man, resulting in the spill

or

-the writer had a bowl of noodles and was leaving the food court when the incident occurred.

I like the conversation exchanged between the writer and the old man. It clearly expresses the old man's annoyance and how angry he was. Unfortunately, you need to bring the intensity of the conflict to a higher level for the reader to fully feel this displeasure.

Instead of commenting in terms of how you can elaborate, I thought I'd approach giving feedback differently this time. Below is a story web. I've constructed it based on the above question and hope that it can create some ideas for you to build up the story line.  (Click on it for a larger image)

After looking at the web, I would like you to try to:

1) Include the ideas from 'Senses' & 'Activity' branching out from 'Food Court' first.  

2) Then choose from 'Outcome 1' or 'Outcome 2' and try to develop a more intense conflict from there. (I'd love to read about a fight... :)  )

3) Finally, use the 'Conclusion' to end the composition.

Let's see if the story web can help you develop your story first.

Give it a try? You can do it!

Grammar MCQ Supplement 1 (Upper Primary)

This is a link to a FREE online grammar MCQ quiz.

I've posted this as a request from a parent who asked if I can create some resources on grammar drills for upper primary pupils. This quiz is suitable for P5, P6 and high-ability P4.

Setting questions is easy but providing answers with explanation can be quite tedious. So if the response it good, I can seriously consider adding this resource.

After you complete the quiz, click to 'Show correct answers'. At the left side of each question, you will see a '?' if you got that question wrong. When you click the '?', you can access the explanation for the question.

Do give it a try!

The link (which has NO ADS, NO GIMMICKS, you get the idea...) is:

Grammar Pre-Exam MCQ Drill 1

Kicking Up the Notch Part (3) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions - Drowning / Rescued from Drowning

(This post is an extension of 'Selected Reading Material 4: Drowning / Rescued from Drowning')

Here is a suggestion on a more advanced approach to writing to composition based on the scenario given in the above post on 'Drowning':

Suggestion (2) Flashback

    Lisa's eyes began to blur as darkness enveloped her. Her head felt like it weighed a thousand kilograms. She could not breathe as water began to gush into her nostrils and choked the life out of her. Just then, she felt a strong tug. Someone was shouting at her but she could not decipher what the voice was trying to tell her. Then, she felt herself being lifted from the water and laid onto a soft surface. Lisa was abruptly conscious that she was no longer engulfed in darkness as the light now pierced her eyes and tingled her senses. She cackled and coughed before she instinctively tried to gasp for air. At first, the water clogged her airways and she felt a burning sensation in her chest. Still no air. In desperation, she coughed as hard as she could. The force of the cough immediately cleared her airways and this time, she was successful. Fresh moist air raced into her system, rejuvenating the blood cells throughout her body. As the pressure in her head lightened, her vision began to return to her...

    "Lisa! Lisa! Are you alright?" screamed Leo, Lisa's brother. Lisa was too weak to reply him. She barely nodded her head before she drifted into a deep sleep. Having survived a near-drowning, Lisa was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep for a while...

    The sun was like a fire ball in the clear blue sky. Lisa and Leo had begged their mother to bring them swimming. The weather was overwhelmingly hot and Mrs Jones needed very little persuasion to make the trip down the nearby swimming complex.

    When they arrived at the pool, it was very crowded. Mrs Jones reminded the children to be extra vigilant while in the water. As Lisa was not a good swimmer, she even made Lisa promise that she would always stay on the float. While the children splashed about in the pool, Mrs Jones laid down on a beach chair and soon fell asleep.
  
    Leo and Lisa had a great time splashing water at each other. Just when they were deciding what to do next, they heard a shout, "Leo! We are here! Come and join us!" Leo's friends were also at the pool. Wanting badly to join them, Leo made a callous and irresponsible decision. "Stay on your float! I'll be back soon!" he instructed Lisa before swimming towards them. Lisa panicked. She did not want to be left behind. She tried to paddle along but Leo had already disappeared into the crowd. In her haste to catch up with him, Lisa lost her balance and slipped into the water!

    Lisa splashed her arms frantically about as she desperately tried to keep her head above the water. Unfortunately, everyone around her was oblivious to what was happening. They thought she was just fooling around so they continued playing and chatting among themselves. Lisa felt the muscles in body bunching up. She was exhausted. Her arms were aching and she could no longer breathe. She was losing consciousness when the lifeguard reached her and dumped her lifeless body on his float.


    When Lisa finally came round, she was in the hospital. Mrs Jones wept tears of joy and relief when Lisa finally opened her eyes and smiled at her. "I'll never leave you out of my sight, ever!" declared Mrs Jones. Leo hung his head low in shame as he approached his sister's side. "I'm so sorry Lisa. Really. Please forgive me. I'll never be irresponsible again," promised Leo. Overcome with fatigue, Lisa nodded her head again and managed a smile before slipping back into a deep sleep.


I hope you can try out this more advanced approach to writing. It is really more refreshing than the typical and traditional form of organising a composition. However, you'll need lots of practice before actually adopting it during an examination!