Accident at the Food Court (by LS, P5, 1st Draft)

Question
You were at a food court buying a bowl of noodles.  While you were looking for a seat, you accidentally knocked into an old man.  The bowl of noodles spilled onto him.  Based on the above situation, write a story of at least 150 words.

You must make use of points below in your story:-

• What happened to the old man?
• What you did next?
• What happened in the event?

You may reorder the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

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Accident at the Food Court by LS

Looking at the spilled noodles and hearing the ranting of the old man, I remembered how the incident began.

Running to the food court, I was very anxious to buy myself a bowl of noodles as I wanted to get home earlier.  After running for a short distance, I reached my destination.  I weaved through the crowds and bought myself a bowl of noodles.

After collecting my change, I hurriedly ran towards the exit of the food court.  When suddenly "ping" the bowl of noodles spilled all over an old man's head.  He started scolding "Look where you're going!  Do your eyes grow at the back of your head?  "Sorry" I replied with embarrassment.  I quickly helped him up and a kind passerby helped him wash up.  


When I reached home, I realized I was already two hours late.  I explained to my mum and relayed the whole incident to her.  She reprimanded 'me and advised me to be more careful in future.  I told her that I had learnt my lesson and promised to be extra careful.

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Comments

Firstly, thank you LS for submitting your composition!

Based on the requirements of the question, at first glance, I've spotted a few areas that need immediate attention. 

However, the most pressing one is the part underlined in red. 

The question states that the writer was looking for a seat when he had an accident and spilled the noodles on the old man. However, your composition suggests that the writer was leaving. So, it is unclear if

-the writer had a takeaway with him and the cover of the container came loose when he knocked into the old man, resulting in the spill

or

-the writer had a bowl of noodles and was leaving the food court when the incident occurred.

I like the conversation exchanged between the writer and the old man. It clearly expresses the old man's annoyance and how angry he was. Unfortunately, you need to bring the intensity of the conflict to a higher level for the reader to fully feel this displeasure.

Instead of commenting in terms of how you can elaborate, I thought I'd approach giving feedback differently this time. Below is a story web. I've constructed it based on the above question and hope that it can create some ideas for you to build up the story line.  (Click on it for a larger image)

After looking at the web, I would like you to try to:

1) Include the ideas from 'Senses' & 'Activity' branching out from 'Food Court' first.  

2) Then choose from 'Outcome 1' or 'Outcome 2' and try to develop a more intense conflict from there. (I'd love to read about a fight... :)  )

3) Finally, use the 'Conclusion' to end the composition.

Let's see if the story web can help you develop your story first.

Give it a try? You can do it!