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Bullying Incident (by LS, P5, Draft 2)

Bullying Incident by LS, P5, 2nd Draft

          The canteen was as packed as sardines. Pupils were scattered everywhere The parade square was full of pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their on tete-a-tete.

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty of sweeping the floor. The fun was beckoning to me to join them, however, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However, a few minutes later, a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor.

          However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear into even grown men. I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me.

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility. Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight.

          As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash I had. The meager amount incited the wrath. They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach.

          A few minutes later, Mr Tan arrived in the nick of time. I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies, whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads.

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me. This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Thank you LS for your composition! There's an improvement in your content organization! Keep it up! Here are some suggestions how you might want to improve the composition.

         The canteen was as packed as sardines (√). Pupils were scattered everywhere at the play area playing catch or taking a stroll. The parade square was full of teeming with pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their own tete-a-tete (√) . The school grounds radiated sheer energy as the pupils made full use of their short-lived freedom, before the imminent school bell jolts them back to reality. (1)

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty, of sweeping the floor, in an empty classroom. The fun outside was beckoning to me, like the aroma of deep-fried chicken wings / freshly-baked bread , to join my friends at play.  However, Unfortunately, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However(2) Suddenly, a few minutes later, the lights went out and the fans stopped turning. a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor. While I was deciding if I should join my friends for soccer or to fill my rumbling stomach, the lights went on again. However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear even into grown men(√). I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero(√) and I shuddered as the fear seeped through my skin and grazed my bones. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me. (√)

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility (√). " Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight. I felt the hair at the back of my neck cringe. As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash that I had. The meager amount incited the wrath (√). They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach (√). (3) Just when the leader was about to administer another of his excruciating kicks on my back, I heard a shout, " Stop it right now!"

          Mr Tan, my form teacher, and a few other teachers had arrived in at the nick of time. Someone passing by the classroom saw what was going on and had alerted the teachers. Between painful coughs and gasps for air, I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies (4). The bullies, whom by then, had been subdued by a few male teachers, were sweating like hogs and trembling like leaves whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads. The boys

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded punished. while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me immediate medical attention. My injuries took months to heal but I still have recurrent nightmares of that fateful day.  This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Comments

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your obvious improvement. I think you had have made tremendous effort to improve your paragraphing and also made conscious effort to link your story more coherently. Applause!

Being an above-average writer, you have been more adventurous with your choice of words. Keep experimenting! I hope my comments and feedback can help you fine-tune your writing skills and I look forward to your next composition!

(1) The first paragraph sets the scene aptly in contrast with what is about to be revealed in the rest of the story. Good! I'd add a tad more description to strengthen the happy and lively atmosphere to contrast with the gloom of being bullied.

(2) 'However' has been used thrice in this composition!

(3) There is a lapse here. What happened between being punched and when Mr Tan arrived? (By the way, who is Mr Tan?) Suggestion in red...

(4) I think the writer will be too weak to peer at anyone...

Note: 

a) The composition was submitted with a picture but I have problems uploading it.

b) LS is an above-average writer and my comments are intended to help him kick up the notch and jazz up his work.

Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)

Now, how can an average-ability student improve on my sample composition in 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 1)'?

Look at the comments below:

Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket (How did they feel at this point?). They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly stopped (Sounds? Movement before the lift stopped?). The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift! (Was there a change in the mood in the lift / surroundings / people?)

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout. Mrs Ravi was very shocked (Any other way to improve on expressing the shock and fear? Remember, they are in almost total darkness!) to be trapped in the lift. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless (Facial expression? Feelings?). Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. (How did the family feel when suddenly there seemed to be some hope?) In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Mrs Ravi felt so fortunate as she breathed in a deep breath of fresh air.

    After about thirty minutes (Can we express the passing of time in another way?), Mrs Ravi heard a loud screech (Can we improve on the description of the sounds heard?) and the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.

Here is an improved version:


Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket. The children were over the moon as their mother had just bought them presents for studying hard for their examinations. They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly jerked violently and came to a sudden stop. The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift. As darkness engulfed the trio, fear began creeping up their spines. 

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout like a raving lunatic. Mrs Ravi was very shocked to be trapped in the lift. Shocking images of crashing lifts and failed rescues flashed in her mind. For a moment, she was paralyzed with fear. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless. Mark started sobbing and groaning again. Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. The shouts sounded like music to their ears. The darkness in the lift almost seemed to light up in the glimmer of hope. In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Along with a tiny ray of light, fresh air gushed into the lift. Mrs Ravi felt so relieved.

    Moments later, the family heard some clanking of metal parts and screeching noises before the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.


Have you noticed that instead of using a lot of inflated vocabulary, the improvements are written in English expected of an average-ability upper primary student? (with the exception of the underlined words, which may be words or phrases you can now pick up to add flavour to your writing)

Reading story books can help improve your vocabulary. However, do put in constant effort to look up the meaning of new words and try them out in your writing. Only with hard work can you eventually succeed in doing well in your writing.

With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)'. I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you!

Keep writing!

Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 1)

What is 'Selected Reading Material'?

Mentioned in my earlier post 'Tips for Struggling Writers', students who have problems expanding content are often told to "read more widely".

'Selected Reading Material' are carefully selected resources to help struggling readers widen their knowledge in areas often useful in composition writing. i.e. what happens during a robbery, accidents, kidnap etc.

After reading and using the resources, students will have more relevant ideas to use in their composition assignments & examination!

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Read the following passage and take note of the underlined content.

DO NOT skip reading as it is important to see how the underlined content is used in the news article.

Trapped in a Lift!

For almost an hour, they were trapped in a shopping mall lift, five storeys up, 13 people in all, including seven children.

In these hot and stuffy conditions, they waited as rescuers tried their best to prise open the lift doors that had become misaligned. A child cried and two had to urinate in plastic bottles, while an iPad was used to keep the rest occupied with games. The children were heading to classes at enrichment centres on the sixth storey.

Two people stuck in the lift claimed rescue efforts took a long time because security guards who arrived at the scene turned down their requests to contact the Singapore Civil Defence Force (SCDF). The guards claimed that their lift technician was already on his way. But when he arrived, he too, was unable to perform the rescue. Everyone was finally rescued after the SCDF officers arrived to help the lift technician.

Mrs Pattterson was accompanying her children to their enrichment class at the sixth story when the lift suddenly jerked and stopped when it reached the fifth storey, then the lights went out.

"We (the passengers in the lift) immediately pressed the alarm button and a voice came over the intercom, but it was muffled and all we heard was 'wait', " recalled Mrs Patterson. 

"After 10 minutes, all of us were sweating because the ventilator had stopped and the children were restless. Some also began complaining that they felt breathless," she added. Two men then used their hands to prise the doors open and managed to create a small gap.

Fortunately, the lift had stopped at the food court on the fifth storey. People were waiting for the lift, and when they saw that the lift had broken down, they attempted to communicate with the people trapped inside. Someone jammed a fire extinguisher between the lift doors to keep them open, allowing more ventilation. A foodcourt stallholder even held an electric fan outside the lift for almost half an hour to blow air into the lift through the narrow gap, while another passed them bottles of water to drink.

Finally, after almost an hour, the SCDF assisted the lift technician in opening the lift doors and everyone was rescued.

An ambulance and fire engine had been despatched to the shopping mall but luckily no one was injured or needed special medical attention.


Modified from 'Kids Stucked in Lift for an Hour',  The New Paper, 08 Apri 2012.

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Part One

After reading the above passage, can you answer the following questions? This is not a comprehension exercise. Think of answers which can be used as content for your composition!

1) Why were the people in the lift trapped for a long time before they were rescued?

2) How did the parents / adults feel when they were trapped?

3) How did the the children feel when they were trapped? How did you think they reacted when they felt that way?

3) How were the children entertained when they were trapped?

4) After 10 min, why did the people in the lift began sweating?

5) How did the people trapped in the lift manage to get some fresh air themselves? How did people outside the lift help them improve the ventilation in the lift?

6) How do you think the people who were trapped felt when they were finally rescued? 


Part Two

Now, Let's try out the content on a sample question!

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Here is a sample question for continuous writing:

Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned from a trip to the supermarket. They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly stopped. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped...!

Based on the above situation, write a composition of at least 150 words using the following points:

-Why the lift stopped moving

-What did Mrs Ravi and the children do when they realised that they were trapped

- What happened in the end

You may reorder the points and / or include your own.

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Although the setting of the reading material provided is at a shopping mall, the content can still be used for almost any other settings. Be flexible!

Here is a possible composition using content from the passage:


    Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket. They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly stopped. The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift! 

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout. Mrs Ravi was very shocked to be trapped in the lift. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless. Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Mrs Ravi felt so fortunate as she breathed in a deep breath of fresh air.

    After about thirty minutes, Mrs Ravi heard a loud screech and the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.


                    #############################

Can you identify the content from the earlier passage? Can you see how it builds up the content of the story?

How else can an average-ability writer improve on this piece of sample writing?

** To be continued soon...**