Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)

Now, how can an average-ability student improve on my sample composition in 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 1)'?

Look at the comments below:

Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket (How did they feel at this point?). They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly stopped (Sounds? Movement before the lift stopped?). The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift! (Was there a change in the mood in the lift / surroundings / people?)

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout. Mrs Ravi was very shocked (Any other way to improve on expressing the shock and fear? Remember, they are in almost total darkness!) to be trapped in the lift. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless (Facial expression? Feelings?). Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. (How did the family feel when suddenly there seemed to be some hope?) In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Mrs Ravi felt so fortunate as she breathed in a deep breath of fresh air.

    After about thirty minutes (Can we express the passing of time in another way?), Mrs Ravi heard a loud screech (Can we improve on the description of the sounds heard?) and the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.

Here is an improved version:


Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket. The children were over the moon as their mother had just bought them presents for studying hard for their examinations. They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly jerked violently and came to a sudden stop. The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift. As darkness engulfed the trio, fear began creeping up their spines. 

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout like a raving lunatic. Mrs Ravi was very shocked to be trapped in the lift. Shocking images of crashing lifts and failed rescues flashed in her mind. For a moment, she was paralyzed with fear. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless. Mark started sobbing and groaning again. Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. The shouts sounded like music to their ears. The darkness in the lift almost seemed to light up in the glimmer of hope. In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Along with a tiny ray of light, fresh air gushed into the lift. Mrs Ravi felt so relieved.

    Moments later, the family heard some clanking of metal parts and screeching noises before the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.


Have you noticed that instead of using a lot of inflated vocabulary, the improvements are written in English expected of an average-ability upper primary student? (with the exception of the underlined words, which may be words or phrases you can now pick up to add flavour to your writing)

Reading story books can help improve your vocabulary. However, do put in constant effort to look up the meaning of new words and try them out in your writing. Only with hard work can you eventually succeed in doing well in your writing.

With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)'. I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you!

Keep writing!