Updated 30 Apr: Incident on the MRT (by WS, P5, Draft)

     

(Image provided by WS), for reference only

      John started to drift off lulled by the soft chatter in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape,  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life and the announcer's voice stating the next station was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his features.

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine, as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. 

When the chatter of the other commuters increased when they saw the bag speculating its source, John snapped out of his daze. Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer.

“There's a bag....” It was all John could managed before the other panicky commuters having reached the same conclusion as he did drowned out his next words. 
    The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves.

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves as a reminder to all to remain vigilant as we would not know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Thank you for the composition, WS!
Great command of the English language, interesting and vivid description and an extensive vocabulary! However, I think you can work more on your content. Let me look through this more carefully before I give my full comments and suggestions! 

Still, good job!

Here is my more detailed analysis:



       John started to drift off, lulled by the soft chatter (√) in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape (√),  jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life (√) and the announcer's voice, stating the next station, was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his  features. (√)

It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden (√) with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten (√) as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit. 

“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally. 

The situation niggled (√) at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine (√), as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind (√) and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. (√)

When The chatter (√) of the other commuters increased crescendoed   when as they saw the bag speculating its source speculated about the source the bag. John snapped out of his daze(√). Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer. (√)

“There's a bag...” It was all John could managed, before the other panicky commuters, having reached the same conclusion as he did, drowned out his next words.  (√)

  The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers were ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. (See Notes 1) When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves. (√) (See Notes 2)

John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves served as a reminder to all to remain vigilant, as we would not never know when a real terrorist might strike. 

Remarks

Wow! This composition is laden with vivid description. I can literally feel myself being drawn into the scenes in the story! 

Well done! 

However, once engrossed in our own writing, it is common to fall into the trap of writing 'running sentences' i.e sentences which are too long and crammed with ideas and descriptive terms. If you feel the need to include such complex sentences, do remember to punctuate them appropriately. Having said that, I will still advise you to avoid them, if possible.

As mentioned in my initial post, although you have demonstrated an extensive vocabulary, I think there is still room for improvement for in content development. 

Remember that a composition is graded both by Language and Content. Your language marks will be top notch (18 or 19) but your content may fall in the range of 14 - 16 / 20. The grade will depend on the consensus of the teachers grading your work.

Notes 1
Somehow I don't quite seem to be able to accept the use of 'verdict' here. I just can't picture the police delivering a verdict.

I will prefer 'outcome of the investigation'. What say you?


Notes 2

You have decided that the story will conclude as a false alarm. That's fine. However, it is not a 'convincing' one as you did not fully develop the following points brought up in your writing:

1) Why did the man leave the bag on the train?
2) If it was a false alarm, what was actually in the bag? Stolen goods left by a remorseful robber? Rubbish? Paraphernalia forsaken by a heart-broken fan(!)? Ransom money for a kidnapper?
3) Did the authorities managed to contact the person who left the bag behind?
4) If yes, how did they deal with the contents and the person? If no, what happened to the bag and its contents?

As you can see,  a lot of juice has still been left in the pulp! 

The unintentional cliffhanger makes the reader wonder "Why", "Then...?"

I strongly feel that if you devote one more paragraph to address the ambiguity, your composition is close to perfection!

I feel inadequate to write a suggested composition for this near-perfect piece of writing. Maybe WS can write a draft 2? 

I can't wait to read it if you are willing to try again!

Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Injuries

Please see Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Introduction for details about the objective of this series / section in my blog.

Simple Vocabulary 
These are some common descriptions used by beginning writers. 
The list is not exhaustive.

1) Alan fell down. He was hurt. He was bleeding a lot.

2) The doctor checked on Mrs Lim. She had broken her bone and needed an operation.

3) At the hospital, the doctor checked Minah. She had a blood clot in her head. She needed an operation.


Basic Vocabulary
These are some common descriptions expected of middle primary and weaker upper primary writers.

If your child is at P3 - P4 and cannot describe injuries as given, you may want to get him to attempt using these sentences for his practices at home. 

(Ugly truth...MEMORIZE...) because this is very BASIC.

For P5 and above this is not an option. You MUST KNOW this!

1) Alan lost his balance and fell. He had cuts on his knee. Blood was flowing profusely (how was it flowing) from the wound.

2) The doctor examined Mrs Lim. She had broken an arm ( a leg) and needed an operation.

3) At the emergency room, the doctor examined Minah. She had a blood clot in her brain. It was a serious injury. She needed an operation immediately.


Enhancing the Basic
These are some improvements a student can make to improve on the basics. i.e. add in details, adjectives, reasons. (No extensive and new vocabulary)

If your child has grasps the basics i.e. is able to write injuries as above, introduce him to adding details and such to improve on the basics. This can (not will, as scoring still depends on how the whole composition is written and the grammar used) push his / her content and language up a point / band when graded.

1) Alan lost his balance and fell hard onto the ground (where). He had grazed his knee. Blood was oozing profusely from the deeper wounds (from which wounds).

2) The doctor examined Mrs Lim thoroughly. She had fractured her arm (leg) and needed an operation to realign the bones (why operation?).

3) At the emergency room, the doctor examined Minah. He detected a blood clot in her brain. As the blood clot could cause a stroke (why so serious?), the doctor immediately performed an operation to remove it (what the doctor did and why).

To be continued...

Basic Vocabulary for Writing - Introduction

'Basic Vocabulary for Writing' is a resource targeted at helping pupils at the lower-middle primary levels or the weaker upper primary pupils.

A pupil who has just started independent writing or does not have a strong foundation in writing often find difficulties expressing their his / her ideas.

Most of the time, the pupil will use very simple description to try to overcome the problem. This is fine especially when he is a beginning writer (e.g. P1 or P2). 

However, as the child proceeds to higher levels, his simple description will appear pale in comparison to work written by the average and above-average writers.

Materials found in this section attempts to:

-Introduce common words, phrases or description suitable for use in specific writing topics (some of these material may overlap one another)

-Highlight and correct misconception often seen in pupils' work when writing certain topics

-Help improve on the common vocabulary provided in this section, so that pupils can enhance the descriptions in their composition after they grasp the basic.

I want to emphasize that this is an attempt.

In a classroom setting, I am able to see my pupils' responses and adjust the lessons accordingly. However, this is not possible on a blog.

As I gradually build up this section on my resources, do feedback to me if your child can understand or is able to use the resources as planned.

Let's all work through this together!

Opps...! I just noticed a grammar mistake and inappropriate choice of words. Erhm..."Nobody is perfect - That's why pencils have erasers!" - Anonymous

Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2)

Some possible answers to the cloze passage exercise in 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (1)' are as follows:

1) rush / peak
2) plunged 
3) silence
4) speaking / talking / singing (cajole, comfort)
5) failure / outage
6) stifling / choking / suffocating (burning, scorching, unbearable) 
7) shone (used, light, lit, directed, projected)
8) smashed / shattered
9) ventilation (circulation, relief, comfort, hope)
10) groggy / dizzy / light-headed (tipsy)
11) pried / forced (pulled, pushed)
12) through (along)

If you would like to ask me alternative answers, please email me instead of posting as a comment as the discussion can get really long...My email address can be found at Important Terms and Conditions / Disclaimer / How to Submit.

Part Two

Now, let's apply what we've learnt to a possible question. It is difficult to post pictures here as there are some copyright issues I do not wish to tread on. So at the moment, lets just use an example from continuous writing.

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Mr Suresh was on his way to work on an MRT train. Suddenly, the train stopped and he found himself in total darkness.

Based on the above situation, write a composition of at least 150 words using the following points:

-How Mr Suresh felt

-What happened after that

-What happened in the end

You may reorder the points and / or include your own.

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Here is a possible composition using content from the selected reading materials:

    Mr Suresh stared at the scar on his right arm. He would never forget what happened that fateful day when he was trapped in an MRT train while on his way to work...

    Mr Suresh waved goodbye to his family and headed to the MRT station near his home to catch the train to work. As it was the morning rush hour, the carriages were packed to the brim. Mr Suresh was lucky to find a seat next to the fire extinguisher and quickly settled down and began reading the newspaper. 

    He was halfway through the papers when the train suddenly plunged into total darkness and grounded to a halt. For a moment, there was an eerie silence as no one dared to move or speak. Then, Mr Suresh heard a child's voice, "Mommy, I am scared!" The trapped commuters started talking to one another, trying to find an explanation to what was going on.

    The air conditioning had also stopped working and the stifling heat was beginning to feel unbearable. Beads of perspiration began trickling down Mr Suresh's temples. "I think I've got to do something before we all die of suffocation!" he thought to himself. "Can someone help me please? I need some light here!" he called out to the other commuters. The commuters used their mobile phones as torchlights and helped lit up part of the carriage. Mr Suresh found the fire extinguisher and with all his strength smashed it onto a carriage window. The window immediately shattered and a whiff of fresh air finally entered the carriage. Unfortunately, while breaking the window, one of the glass shrapnels pierced into his right arm. Mr Suresh cried out in pain as blood began oozing from the wound. A commuter tied a handkerchief around the wound but it was quickly soaked in blood. He needed medical attention as soon as possible. Just when Mr Suresh was about to faint, someone forced opened the train door. Help had finally arrived!

    The civil defence officers evacuated Mr Suresh and sent him to the nearest hospital while the other trapped commuter were led through the underground tunnels to the nearest train station.

    Mr Suresh was grateful that he was rescued at the nick of time. Although he still had nightmares about the incident, he still took the train to work. However, ever since, he always carried a torchlight with him, just in case.

Have you noticed that instead of using a lot of highly-impressive vocabulary, the composition has been written in English expected of an average (to above-average) upper primary student? (with the exception of some the underlined words, which may be words or phrases you can now pick up to add flavour to your writing)

Reading story books can help improve your vocabulary. However, do put in constant effort to look up the meaning of new words and try them out in your writing. Only with hard work can you eventually succeed in doing well in your writing.

With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2)' . 

I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you!

Updates to 'Selected Reading Material 1: A Robbery(1)'

Answers to one of the activities in 'Selected Reading Material 1: A Robbery(1)' has been added. If you had been interested to know the answer but were too shy to email me, I've add it towards the end of the post.

Hope you got the answers right! : )

Video Resources (2): A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown

As I was preparing 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown', I realized that most of us will have absolutely no idea what it was like to be trapped in the MRT carriages. So after browsing through many videos, I finally found one that has been properly edited and does not contain inappropriate language or is from a questionable source.

The only catch is that it is in Chinese but has good subtitles (Use 'Full-Screen' to see subtitles clearly). Do pause appropriately to catch the subtitles if necessary. However, do be take note that the video is meant as a visual stimulant to help writers visualize the content they can use for their composition. 

(Source, Frontline 《SMRT Worst Breakdown》with Subtitle 前线 《地铁大瘫痪》Pt1/2 - 23Dec2011, 154media, Youtube)

What to look out for:
1) Winding queues for the shuttle buses. taxis outside the train stations
2) Footage of situation in the train carriages
3) Footage of commuters walking in the underground tunnels to the nearest stations
4) Feelings of the commuters interviewed
5) What the authorities planned to do to prevent similar incidents from occurring again

This post supplements 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown'.

Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (1)

What is 'Selected Reading Material'?

Mentioned in my earlier post 'Tips for Struggling Writers', students who have problems expanding content are often told to "read more widely".

'Selected Reading Material' are carefully selected resources to help struggling readers widen their knowledge in areas often useful in composition writing. i.e. what happens during a robbery, accidents, kidnap etc.

After reading and using the resources, students will have more relevant ideas to use in their composition assignments & examination!

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Read the following passage and take note of the underlined content.

DO NOT skip reading.It is important for you to see how the underlined content is used in the news article.


A Train (MRT/Subway) Breakdown

Unfamiliar scenes of chaos and confusion unfolded on Thursday night in train stations across central Singapore after the MRT network suffered what is likely to be the worst breakdown in its 24-year operating history.

Just before 7 p.m., thousands of commuters riding home during the evening rush hour were plunged into total darkness as trains on the North-South Line suddenly lost power and ground to a halt.

Many people claimed that they waited up to an hour in the stifling heat of windowless carriages, where the air-conditioning had also failed, before eventually being rescued by SMRT staff. Some train windows were smashed to let in air.

Commuters then had to walk through the train tunnels to the nearest station in order to exit and find their way home.

In all, 11 stations from Marina Bay to Bishan were affected - the result of what SMRT called 'a power rail problem'.

As the extent of the problem became clear, SMRT shuttered the affected stations completely and commuters were advised to find alternative routes to their destinations.

The Singapore Civil Defence Force also dispatched ambulances and other emergency services to some stations.

"It was pretty much a traumatizing experience," said Oh Shu Fen, 23, who works in a bank. She was stuck in a train that stalled between the Dhoby Ghaut and City Hall stations.

"There were no lights and ventilation, and it got so dark that at one point of time, the only sources of light were from mobile phones."

A woman was reported to have fainted in the train as she had difficulties breathing. Civil Defense officers tried for ten minutes to revive her, but they were unsuccessful. She was immediately placed on a stretcher and evacuated after that.

Someone even smashed the train windows with a fire extinguisher to encourage some air circulation (ventilation). 

At about 9 p.m., some of the stations were reopened and a section of the train services was resumed. 

Meanwhile, SMRT raced to provide extra buses, which struggled to deal with stranded crowds who formed winding queues for buses and taxis.

As the buses were all packed to the brim, many commuters had to wait for hours before managing to get on a bus. Those who managed to get on a bus or taxi found their trips slowed by traffic congestion.

Frustrated commuters formed long queues at train stations to wait for fare refunds while others flooded online websites and forums and demanded explanations and apologies from the authorities for their traumatic experience.

"We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused," said SMRT, in a statement issued at about 9 p.m. on Thursday night.

"Preliminary investigation shows that around 40m of the power rail had been damaged between the City Hall and Dhoby Ghaut stations.

"SMRT staff are now on-site attending to the fault. We will work round the clock to repair the damage, and hope to get the northbound train service for this stretch up by tomorrow morning."

Modified from 'Singapore's MRT Breakdown Chaos Leaves Thousands Stranded',  Ignatius Low, Straits Times Indonesia, 16 December 2011.

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Part One

After reading the above news article, try the following comprehension cloze. The exercise will help you use some of the words / phrases / content knowledge learnt from the above material.

    After a tiring evening at tuition class, I was relieved to be on the train back home. As it was the evening 1.__________________ hour, Father and I were lucky to get a seat in one of the crowded carriages. As he began to read, I started nodding off to sleep. 

    Suddenly, a loud noise jolted me from my dreams. The train had 2.___________ into total darkness and it slowly grounded to a halt. I rubbed my eyes and began to panic. For an instance, there was an eerie 3._________________ as no one dared to speak or move. Then, a child started to wail. As his mother began 4.__________________ to him softly, the other commuters started to stir too. 

    "James, are you alright?" Father asked while grabbing my hand in the pitch darkness. "Yes! What is going on?" I replied shakily. "I think there is a power 5._____________________," he suggested. The air-conditioning had stopped working too and the 6.____________________ heat was beginning to feel unbearable. I struggled to breathe as beads of perspiration began rolling down my temples. Suddenly there was a loud 'thud', followed by a scream! Some commuters used their mobile phones as torch lights and 7._________________ them at the direction of the commotion - A woman had collapsed on the carriage floor and a little girl was crying beside her. A beefy-looking man quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher and 8.___________________ a few carriage windows while another commuter called the civil defence. I was thankful that the broken windows provided some 9.____________________as I, too, was beginning to feel breathless and 10.____________________ . We sat in the darkness helplessly for another fifteen minutes or so before help arrived. 

    The civil defence officers 11.__________________ open the doors and lit the carriages with bright lamps. After evacuating the woman who had fainted, the officers led us 12._____________________  the train tunnels to the nearest train station. I was so relieved to see bright lights and welcomed the cool, fresh air in the station. Father managed to contact his friend, who met us at a nearby car park before driving us home.

** Possible answers can be found in 'Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2)!

Before we attempt to apply what we have learnt, I would like to suggest looking at the post: Video Resources (2) A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown. The video is an apt resource for supplementing this reading material.

As this post is getting too lengthy, I will continue on Selected Reading Material 3: A Train (MRT / Subway) Breakdown (2) Coming Soon! : )

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Bullying Incident (by LS, P5, Draft 2)

Bullying Incident by LS, P5, 2nd Draft

          The canteen was as packed as sardines. Pupils were scattered everywhere The parade square was full of pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their on tete-a-tete.

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty of sweeping the floor. The fun was beckoning to me to join them, however, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However, a few minutes later, a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor.

          However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear into even grown men. I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me.

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility. Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight.

          As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash I had. The meager amount incited the wrath. They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach.

          A few minutes later, Mr Tan arrived in the nick of time. I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies, whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads.

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me. This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Thank you LS for your composition! There's an improvement in your content organization! Keep it up! Here are some suggestions how you might want to improve the composition.

         The canteen was as packed as sardines (√). Pupils were scattered everywhere at the play area playing catch or taking a stroll. The parade square was full of teeming with pupils playing soccer. Pupils got into their own tete-a-tete (√) . The school grounds radiated sheer energy as the pupils made full use of their short-lived freedom, before the imminent school bell jolts them back to reality. (1)

          I was right in the midst of an empty classroom doing my recess duty, of sweeping the floor, in an empty classroom. The fun outside was beckoning to me, like the aroma of deep-fried chicken wings / freshly-baked bread , to join my friends at play.  However, Unfortunately, I had to finish sweeping the classroom first.

          However(2) Suddenly, a few minutes later, the lights went out and the fans stopped turning. a blackout started. I was as happy as a lark, as a blackout would mean that I need not sweep the floor. While I was deciding if I should join my friends for soccer or to fill my rumbling stomach, the lights went on again. However, my luck did not last long. Soon after, the lights went on again. Along with the lights came four notorious bullies. Their bulky frame of tone-bronzed muscles could strike fear even into grown men(√). I knew that I was doomed. Temperature began to fall to a sub-zero(√) and I shuddered as the fear seeped through my skin and grazed my bones. Those few brought the gloom of the night and the grim of death upon me. (√)

          "Oh, Look who's here!" scowled the leader, "It's puny Billy!" The boy next to him growled with hostility (√). " Dear boy, you better hand over your cash or else..." He cracked his knuckles as if he wanted to fight. I felt the hair at the back of my neck cringe. As I was outnumbered, I quickly handed over the cash that I had. The meager amount incited the wrath (√). They grabbed me by the collar and threw me on the floor, then rained punches heavily on my stomach (√). (3) Just when the leader was about to administer another of his excruciating kicks on my back, I heard a shout, " Stop it right now!"

          Mr Tan, my form teacher, and a few other teachers had arrived in at the nick of time. Someone passing by the classroom saw what was going on and had alerted the teachers. Between painful coughs and gasps for air, I blurted out the whole episode to Mr Tan, while frequently peering at the bullies (4). The bullies, whom by then, had been subdued by a few male teachers, were sweating like hogs and trembling like leaves whose beads of perspiration were forming on their foreheads. The boys

          The four bullies were dully reprimanded punished. while I was sent to the medical ward for the bashing they gave me immediate medical attention. My injuries took months to heal but I still have recurrent nightmares of that fateful day.  This was an incident that would be etched in my memory forever.

Comments

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your obvious improvement. I think you had have made tremendous effort to improve your paragraphing and also made conscious effort to link your story more coherently. Applause!

Being an above-average writer, you have been more adventurous with your choice of words. Keep experimenting! I hope my comments and feedback can help you fine-tune your writing skills and I look forward to your next composition!

(1) The first paragraph sets the scene aptly in contrast with what is about to be revealed in the rest of the story. Good! I'd add a tad more description to strengthen the happy and lively atmosphere to contrast with the gloom of being bullied.

(2) 'However' has been used thrice in this composition!

(3) There is a lapse here. What happened between being punched and when Mr Tan arrived? (By the way, who is Mr Tan?) Suggestion in red...

(4) I think the writer will be too weak to peer at anyone...

Note: 

a) The composition was submitted with a picture but I have problems uploading it.

b) LS is an above-average writer and my comments are intended to help him kick up the notch and jazz up his work.

Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)

Now, how can an average-ability student improve on my sample composition in 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 1)'?

Look at the comments below:

Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket (How did they feel at this point?). They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly stopped (Sounds? Movement before the lift stopped?). The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift! (Was there a change in the mood in the lift / surroundings / people?)

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout. Mrs Ravi was very shocked (Any other way to improve on expressing the shock and fear? Remember, they are in almost total darkness!) to be trapped in the lift. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless (Facial expression? Feelings?). Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. (How did the family feel when suddenly there seemed to be some hope?) In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Mrs Ravi felt so fortunate as she breathed in a deep breath of fresh air.

    After about thirty minutes (Can we express the passing of time in another way?), Mrs Ravi heard a loud screech (Can we improve on the description of the sounds heard?) and the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.

Here is an improved version:


Mrs Ravi and her children had just returned home from a trip to the supermarket. The children were over the moon as their mother had just bought them presents for studying hard for their examinations. They boarded the lift and were on their way up to their home on the twelfth floor when the lift suddenly jerked violently and came to a sudden stop. The lights went out and the fan soon stopped too. Mrs Ravi and her children were trapped in the lift. As darkness engulfed the trio, fear began creeping up their spines. 

    "Mommy! What is going on?" sobbed Mindy, "I am frightened!" When little Mark saw his older sister trembling in fear, he began to scream and shout like a raving lunatic. Mrs Ravi was very shocked to be trapped in the lift. Shocking images of crashing lifts and failed rescues flashed in her mind. For a moment, she was paralyzed with fear. However, when she saw that her children were even more frightened, she calmed down as quickly as she could. She hugged her children and tried to comfort them. When the children stopped trembling, Mrs Ravi took out her smartphone and called the emergency number. The operator assured them that help was on the way. In the meantime, Mrs Ravi launched some games to keep the children entertained. Then, she pressed the alarm button a few times and waited anxiously for help to arrive. 

    After a few minutes, the lift began to feel very stuffy as the ventilation fan was not working. Mindy and Mark complained that they felt breathless. Mark started sobbing and groaning again. Mrs Ravi tried to pry open the lift door but to no avail. Just as she began to panic, she heard shouts from outside,  "Do you need help?" "Yes! We can't breathe!" she replied as loudly as she could. The shouts sounded like music to their ears. The darkness in the lift almost seemed to light up in the glimmer of hope. In a few minutes, the lift doors inched open with a loud screech and a tiny gap appeared between the closed doors. Along with a tiny ray of light, fresh air gushed into the lift. Mrs Ravi felt so relieved.

    Moments later, the family heard some clanking of metal parts and screeching noises before the lift door finally opened. "Are you alright?" A civil defence officer who had pried opened the door asked. His question was greeted by the children's applause and their beaming smiles. When the family emerged from the lift, they could see a fan blowing air towards the lift and a few of their neighbours greeting them. It turned out that Mrs Ravi's neighbours heard the alarm and quickly came to their aid. After forcing the lift doors, they held an electric fan at the gap to blow fresh air into the lift.

    Mrs Ravi thanked the civil defence officers and her neighbours profusely. She felt so relieved that everyone was safe and sound and that no one was injured. She would always remember that fateful day.


Have you noticed that instead of using a lot of inflated vocabulary, the improvements are written in English expected of an average-ability upper primary student? (with the exception of the underlined words, which may be words or phrases you can now pick up to add flavour to your writing)

Reading story books can help improve your vocabulary. However, do put in constant effort to look up the meaning of new words and try them out in your writing. Only with hard work can you eventually succeed in doing well in your writing.

With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 2: Trapped in a Lift (Part 2)'. I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you!

Keep writing!