(Image provided by WS), for reference only
John started to drift off lulled by the soft chatter in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape, jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life and the announcer's voice stating the next station was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his features.
It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit.
“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally.
The situation niggled at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine, as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart.
When the chatter of the other commuters increased when they saw the bag speculating its source, John snapped out of his daze. Remembering the safety lessons taught in school, John made his way to the emergency button, his heart still pounding like a jackhammer.
“There's a bag....” It was all John could managed before the other panicky commuters having reached the same conclusion as he did drowned out his next words.
The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves.
John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it serves as a reminder to all to remain vigilant as we would not know when a real terrorist might strike.
Thank you for the composition, WS!
Great command of the English language, interesting and vivid description and an extensive vocabulary! However, I think you can work more on your content. Let me look through this more carefully before I give my full comments and suggestions!
Still, good job!
Here is my more detailed analysis:
John started to drift off, lulled by the soft chatter (√) in the train he was on. He was on his way home after a grueling soccer camp to prepare for the upcoming championship. John dipped into his dream scape (√), jerking awake when the intercom crackled to life (√) and the announcer's voice, stating the next station, was heard. John looked at his surroundings wearily, the fatigue evident on his features. (√)
It was then that a man in sunglasses caught John's attention. He was wearing a black leather jacket, heavily laden (√) with zippers on the front and a navy baseball cap. The man's odd dressing caused him to stand out among the crowd. John watched with wide eyes, lethargy forgotten (√) as the man shoved the haversack he was holding under the seat and made a dash for the exit.
“Wait! Your bag!” John cried out despite knowing that the man had left the bag behind intentionally.
The situation niggled (√) at John's mind. Something was wrong, he thought. When he finally realised what it was, John paled. A frisson of fear skipped up his spine (√), as he thought of the possibility of the man being a terrorist. Images of bombs going off in the train swam in John's mind (√) and he felt that unfamiliar cold fist of fear tightened around his heart. (√)
“There's a bag...” It was all John could managed, before the other panicky commuters, having reached the same conclusion as he did, drowned out his next words. (√)
The train pulled to a stop at the next station and the passengers were ushered out to safety. The police had been called and were ready to handle the situation. The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to John as he described the man to the police while waiting for the verdict. (See Notes 1) When it was announced that it was a false alarm, relief washed over John in blessed cooling waves. (√) (See Notes 2)
John went scarlet when praised by the police for his quick thinking and bravery. Although it was only a false alarm this time, it
Remarks
Wow! This composition is laden with vivid description. I can literally feel myself being drawn into the scenes in the story!
Well done!
However, once engrossed in our own writing, it is common to fall into the trap of writing 'running sentences' i.e sentences which are too long and crammed with ideas and descriptive terms. If you feel the need to include such complex sentences, do remember to punctuate them appropriately. Having said that, I will still advise you to avoid them, if possible.
As mentioned in my initial post, although you have demonstrated an extensive vocabulary, I think there is still room for improvement
Remember that a composition is graded both by Language and Content. Your language marks will be top notch (18 or 19) but your content may fall in the range of 14 - 16 / 20. The grade will depend on the consensus of the teachers grading your work.
Notes 1
Somehow I don't quite seem to be able to accept the use of 'verdict' here. I just can't picture the police delivering a verdict.
I will prefer 'outcome of the investigation'. What say you?
Notes 2
You have decided that the story will conclude as a false alarm. That's fine. However, it is not a 'convincing' one as you did not fully develop the following points brought up in your writing:
1) Why did the man leave the bag on the train?
2) If it was a false alarm, what was actually in the bag? Stolen goods left by a remorseful robber? Rubbish? Paraphernalia forsaken by a heart-broken fan(!)? Ransom money for a kidnapper?
3) Did the authorities managed to contact the person who left the bag behind?
4) If yes, how did they deal with the contents and the person? If no, what happened to the bag and its contents?
As you can see, a lot of juice has still been left in the pulp!
The unintentional cliffhanger makes the reader wonder "Why", "Then...?"
I strongly feel that if you devote one more paragraph to address the ambiguity, your composition is close to perfection!
I feel inadequate to write a suggested composition for this near-perfect piece of writing. Maybe WS can write a draft 2?
I can't wait to read it if you are willing to try again!
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