Accident at the Food Court (by LS, P5, 1st Draft)

Question
You were at a food court buying a bowl of noodles.  While you were looking for a seat, you accidentally knocked into an old man.  The bowl of noodles spilled onto him.  Based on the above situation, write a story of at least 150 words.

You must make use of points below in your story:-

• What happened to the old man?
• What you did next?
• What happened in the event?

You may reorder the points.  You may also include other relevant points.

###########################

Accident at the Food Court by LS

Looking at the spilled noodles and hearing the ranting of the old man, I remembered how the incident began.

Running to the food court, I was very anxious to buy myself a bowl of noodles as I wanted to get home earlier.  After running for a short distance, I reached my destination.  I weaved through the crowds and bought myself a bowl of noodles.

After collecting my change, I hurriedly ran towards the exit of the food court.  When suddenly "ping" the bowl of noodles spilled all over an old man's head.  He started scolding "Look where you're going!  Do your eyes grow at the back of your head?  "Sorry" I replied with embarrassment.  I quickly helped him up and a kind passerby helped him wash up.  


When I reached home, I realized I was already two hours late.  I explained to my mum and relayed the whole incident to her.  She reprimanded 'me and advised me to be more careful in future.  I told her that I had learnt my lesson and promised to be extra careful.

###########################

Comments

Firstly, thank you LS for submitting your composition!

Based on the requirements of the question, at first glance, I've spotted a few areas that need immediate attention. 

However, the most pressing one is the part underlined in red. 

The question states that the writer was looking for a seat when he had an accident and spilled the noodles on the old man. However, your composition suggests that the writer was leaving. So, it is unclear if

-the writer had a takeaway with him and the cover of the container came loose when he knocked into the old man, resulting in the spill

or

-the writer had a bowl of noodles and was leaving the food court when the incident occurred.

I like the conversation exchanged between the writer and the old man. It clearly expresses the old man's annoyance and how angry he was. Unfortunately, you need to bring the intensity of the conflict to a higher level for the reader to fully feel this displeasure.

Instead of commenting in terms of how you can elaborate, I thought I'd approach giving feedback differently this time. Below is a story web. I've constructed it based on the above question and hope that it can create some ideas for you to build up the story line.  (Click on it for a larger image)

After looking at the web, I would like you to try to:

1) Include the ideas from 'Senses' & 'Activity' branching out from 'Food Court' first.  

2) Then choose from 'Outcome 1' or 'Outcome 2' and try to develop a more intense conflict from there. (I'd love to read about a fight... :)  )

3) Finally, use the 'Conclusion' to end the composition.

Let's see if the story web can help you develop your story first.

Give it a try? You can do it!

Grammar MCQ Supplement 1 (Upper Primary)

This is a link to a FREE online grammar MCQ quiz.

I've posted this as a request from a parent who asked if I can create some resources on grammar drills for upper primary pupils. This quiz is suitable for P5, P6 and high-ability P4.

Setting questions is easy but providing answers with explanation can be quite tedious. So if the response it good, I can seriously consider adding this resource.

After you complete the quiz, click to 'Show correct answers'. At the left side of each question, you will see a '?' if you got that question wrong. When you click the '?', you can access the explanation for the question.

Do give it a try!

The link (which has NO ADS, NO GIMMICKS, you get the idea...) is:

Grammar Pre-Exam MCQ Drill 1

Kicking Up the Notch Part (3) - Resources for Writing Outstanding Compositions - Drowning / Rescued from Drowning

(This post is an extension of 'Selected Reading Material 4: Drowning / Rescued from Drowning')

Here is a suggestion on a more advanced approach to writing to composition based on the scenario given in the above post on 'Drowning':

Suggestion (2) Flashback

    Lisa's eyes began to blur as darkness enveloped her. Her head felt like it weighed a thousand kilograms. She could not breathe as water began to gush into her nostrils and choked the life out of her. Just then, she felt a strong tug. Someone was shouting at her but she could not decipher what the voice was trying to tell her. Then, she felt herself being lifted from the water and laid onto a soft surface. Lisa was abruptly conscious that she was no longer engulfed in darkness as the light now pierced her eyes and tingled her senses. She cackled and coughed before she instinctively tried to gasp for air. At first, the water clogged her airways and she felt a burning sensation in her chest. Still no air. In desperation, she coughed as hard as she could. The force of the cough immediately cleared her airways and this time, she was successful. Fresh moist air raced into her system, rejuvenating the blood cells throughout her body. As the pressure in her head lightened, her vision began to return to her...

    "Lisa! Lisa! Are you alright?" screamed Leo, Lisa's brother. Lisa was too weak to reply him. She barely nodded her head before she drifted into a deep sleep. Having survived a near-drowning, Lisa was exhausted. She just wanted to sleep for a while...

    The sun was like a fire ball in the clear blue sky. Lisa and Leo had begged their mother to bring them swimming. The weather was overwhelmingly hot and Mrs Jones needed very little persuasion to make the trip down the nearby swimming complex.

    When they arrived at the pool, it was very crowded. Mrs Jones reminded the children to be extra vigilant while in the water. As Lisa was not a good swimmer, she even made Lisa promise that she would always stay on the float. While the children splashed about in the pool, Mrs Jones laid down on a beach chair and soon fell asleep.
  
    Leo and Lisa had a great time splashing water at each other. Just when they were deciding what to do next, they heard a shout, "Leo! We are here! Come and join us!" Leo's friends were also at the pool. Wanting badly to join them, Leo made a callous and irresponsible decision. "Stay on your float! I'll be back soon!" he instructed Lisa before swimming towards them. Lisa panicked. She did not want to be left behind. She tried to paddle along but Leo had already disappeared into the crowd. In her haste to catch up with him, Lisa lost her balance and slipped into the water!

    Lisa splashed her arms frantically about as she desperately tried to keep her head above the water. Unfortunately, everyone around her was oblivious to what was happening. They thought she was just fooling around so they continued playing and chatting among themselves. Lisa felt the muscles in body bunching up. She was exhausted. Her arms were aching and she could no longer breathe. She was losing consciousness when the lifeguard reached her and dumped her lifeless body on his float.


    When Lisa finally came round, she was in the hospital. Mrs Jones wept tears of joy and relief when Lisa finally opened her eyes and smiled at her. "I'll never leave you out of my sight, ever!" declared Mrs Jones. Leo hung his head low in shame as he approached his sister's side. "I'm so sorry Lisa. Really. Please forgive me. I'll never be irresponsible again," promised Leo. Overcome with fatigue, Lisa nodded her head again and managed a smile before slipping back into a deep sleep.


I hope you can try out this more advanced approach to writing. It is really more refreshing than the typical and traditional form of organising a composition. However, you'll need lots of practice before actually adopting it during an examination!

Free Online Grammar and Spelling Checker!

Wow! I accidentally stumbled upon this! 
You might want to give it a try.

Really good work! (started by 2 teachers in Canada)
I'd probably check my blog entries a bit at a time later...

Do read their Terms & Conditions prior to using the free service.

Virtual Writing Tutor

I am not affiliated to this web site and will not receive any benefits from them if you visit or use their application!

Selected Reading Material 4: Drowning / Rescued from Drowning

What is 'Selected Reading Material'?

'Selected Reading Material' are carefully selected resources to help struggling readers widen their knowledge in areas often useful in composition writing. i.e. what happens during a robbery, accidents, kidnap etc.

After reading and using the resources, students will have more relevant ideas to use in their composition assignments & examination!



Read the following passage and take note of the underlined content.

DO NOT skip reading as it is important to see how the underlined content is used in this article. (How they are used in context) 

The report "Father drowns while trying to save son from strong current" (The Straits Times, Dec 11) shows the dangers of the sea and of attempting to rescue a person in the water. The Singapore Life Saving Society would like to highlight the dangers of trying to rescue someone in water.

Both trained rescuers and lay persons have been known to become victims in the course of attempting to rescue others. This may be due to a lack of the necessary skills, fitness or equipment. It may also be due to a misjudgment of the conditions present. Therefore, it is always better to prevent the occurrence of a drowning situation than to attempt a rescue.

However, in the unfortunate case where there is a need to rescue someone, the paramount consideration should always be the lifesaver's own safety and rescues that can be performed without entering the water are safer. For example, a reach (with a pole) or throw (with a rope) rescue should always be considered first. Only when such techniques are not likely to work should the rescuer consider entering the water. Even then, he should enter the water as far as possible with rescue aids like life buoys or swim floats. These may then be passed to the victim to keep him buoyant and reduce the need to make contact. The reason for avoiding contact is that a person in difficulties in the water is likely to grab at anything that floats and that includes the rescuer. 

We encourage people to take up a lifesaving course to equip themselves with the knowledge and skills necessary for safer rescue attempts so that they are prepared should the need arise.

Modified from Letter from Honorary Secretary-General, Richard Tan Ming Kirk, 14 December 2006, http://www.slss.org.sg/Local%20Press%20Media.htm



Part One

Are you familiar with the meaning of the words in red? Look up the meaning of the words in the dictionary. Then, try out this Online Activity. (Direct link to an online quiz, with no ad links, as usual!) The activity will open in a new window. After completing it, you just need to close it. You do not need to 'Return to Main Menu'. The scores will not be recorded. 

Enjoy and Learn!

Part Two

After studying the above article and viewing the 2 related videos (see links at the end of the post), we can summarise what we have learnt the following content useful for writing compositions related to drowning and water rescue:

1)The people around the struggling swimmers did not know that someone was drowning. They were oblivious to what was going on.

2) Both of the children's heads were bobbing up and down the water. They were trying desperately to gasp for air.

3) Although both the boy and the girl were splashing about the water frantically, to the other swimmers, they looked like they were 'playing' or fooling around.


4) Both the boy and the girl could not scream or wave their hands for help.

5) Swimmers can drown too.

6) Experienced swimmers  and trained rescuers can also be victims of drowning because they do not have adequate skills are misjudged the condition around them (e.g. sharp rocks).

7) A rescuer should try to perform the rescue without entering the water first e.g. throw a buoy or reach out a stick. 

8) If a rescuer must get into the water, he should bring a floating device with him e.g. a life buoy (remember the video of the pool rescue?)

9) A drowning person is likely to grab anything or anyone near him. Sometimes this can endanger the live of the rescuer. 

Looks like the above 9 key points can already form a very interesting composition about drowning and rescue! Let's apply what we have learnt in an sample question in Part Three.

Part Three

Let's use the video of the pool rescue from "Video Resources (3): Drowning / Rescued from Drowning 1". The still at 0:29 can be used as a question for a picture composition.

Write a composition of at least 150 words based on the above situation. 

You must use the following points in your story:

• where are the children
• why did the girl fall into the water
• what happened to the girl in the end

You may reorder the points and add any other relevant points.

#######################

Here is a possible composition based on the picture using content from the video resources and selected reading resources.



Examples:

Suggestion (1): Typical Presentation

The sun was like a fire ball in the clear blue sky. Lisa and Leo begged their mother to bring them swimming. Mrs Jones decided to bring the children to the swimming pool near their home.

When they arrived at the pool, it was very crowded. Mrs Jones reminded the children to be extra careful in the water. As Lisa was not a good swimmer, she even made Lisa promise that she would always stay on the float. While the children splashed about in the pool, Mrs Jones laid down on a beach chair and soon fell asleep.  

Leo and Lisa had a great time splashing water at each other. Just when they were deciding what to do next, they heard a shout, "Leo! We are here! Come and join us!" Leo's friends were also at the pool. He wanted to join them so he began swimming towards them. Lisa did not want to be left behind. She tried to paddle along but Leo had already disappeared into the crowd. Suddenly, Lisa lost her balance and slipped into the water!

    Lisa splashed her arms frantically about the water as she desperately tried to gasp for air. Unfortunately, everyone in the pool did not notice that Lisa was in trouble. They continued playing among themselves. Lisa began to feel exhausted. Her arms were aching and she could not breathe. Just when her eyes began to blur, she felt a strong tug and then, she felt herself lying on something cool and soft. 

"Girl! Breathe through your mouth! Don't worry! You are safe now! Don't struggle! Just rest your body on the float. We're near the edge of the pool!" shouted a man. The lifeguard on duty had reached Lisa just in time. When he saw her slip off her float, he had immediately grabbed his float and jumped in after her. 

When Lisa got out of the water, Mrs Jones and Leo quickly rushed to Lisa's side and apologised for not keeping their eyes on her. Luckily, besides swallowing a few gulps of water and feeling exhausted, Lisa was unhurt. The family thanked the lifeguard again for saving Lisa's life. They could not imagine how the day would have ended if he had not been observant.

It was an unforgettable day!

Suggestion (2): Flashback

(As this a more advanced approach, the content will be continued at 'http://icanwritetoo-sg.blogspot.sg/2013/08/kicking-up-notch-part-3-resources-for.html')


With the above example, I conclude 'Selected Reading Material 4: Drowning / Rescued from Drowning'. I hope this segment will prove useful to some of you! 

If you'd like a more advanced approach to writing a composition on this topic, you can visit click here (or the link above).